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Premarital Self-Knowledge & Healing

This chapter is meant to provide an opportunity for engaged couples to grow in self-knowledge by an evaluation of some of the major emotional and personality weaknesses which interfere with both self-giving love and marital happiness.  It also provides valuable information on maintaining a healthy marital relationship.

A loving marital relationship is dependent upon the spouses having healthy personalities.  In turn, the way in which individuals maintain a healthy personality amidst the many stresses of life is by engaging in the hard work of making a commitment to face humbly one's weaknesses and to grow in virtues.  Virtues make both individuals and marriages strong. 

A new area has developed in the mental health field, Positive Psychology, which focuses on attempting to understand and employ virtues in addressing emotional pain and character conflicts.  Dr. Fitzgibbons offers advice on resolving conflicts and growing in virtues to engaged couples in the premarital series, Road to Cana, www.roadtocana.com, seen on EWTN,  which can be viewed, in part, on You Tube. 

At the Institute for Marital Counseling at Comprehensive Counseling Services we have worked with several thousand couples since 1976.  We also work with increasing numbers of engaged couples who want to have healthy marriages and are aware that emotional weaknesses, "baggage", should be uncovered and addressed before marriage. Checklists are provided in this chapter which help uncover major weaknesses in self-giving.

We encourage engaged couples, as well as married couples, to read the very important new letter on marriage from the United States Bishops, Marriage: Love and Life in the Divine Plan, 2009. Pastoral Letter of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, November 2009, www.usccb.org/laity/LoveandLife/MarriageFINAL.pdf.

The book which we also strongly recommend is Men, Women and the Mystery of Love: Practical Insights in John Paul II's Love and Responsibility by Edward Sri. In Love and Responsibility, John Paul II described the importance of couples giving to the romantic aspect of the marriage, to the marital friendship and to betrothed love in marriage which includes more than sexual intimacy.

 

Marital Happiness

Marital happiness is dependent upon having a good romantic relationship, marital friendship and a healthy intimate relationship. Fortunately, in spite of the high divorce rate, many couples do report marital happiness. An important research study in 2006 of what makes women happy in their marriage revealed the following factors as important:

• a husband's emotional engagement
• fairness
• a breadwinning husband
• a commitment to marriage
• staying at home
• shared religious attendance
• traditional sex attitudes.

(Wilcox, B. & Nock, S., 2006. What's Love Got to Do With It. Social Forces 83:3, www.happiestwives.org)

In our experience, many husbands would express similar views and might add that they want to be treated with respect and appreciation.

Misconceptions About Marital Love

The recognition of the common misconceptions about marital love can be helpful and these include:

• if one is not happy, it must be caused by a weakness in marital love
• it is based completely upon one's feelings
• it should make one completely happy and should heal any loneliness for parental love experience in childhood, adolescence or the present time
• it should not require hard work and sacrifice
• the loss of a romantic feeling is the fault of one's spouse
• it should be strong even if one does not work on the romantic aspect of the marriage or on the marital friendship
• when the feeling of love is not longer present, it cannot be restored
• the trust upon which marital love is based cannot be healed if it is damaged
• one has the right to intimacy even if the need for romantic love and friendship are ignored
• is not enriched by having children
• can be fulfilling even if one is selfish
• God's love does not enrich and strengthen marital love by providing another source of comfort, strength, hope and happiness.

 

Self-knowledge and Conflicts in Marital Self-Giving and Receiving

Below are the major conflicts which interfere with marital self-giving and, subsequenlty, marital happiness. Most of us are not aware of the emotional and personality weakness we have which can interfere with our ability to maintain a healthy loving relationship. And why is this?  The primary reason is because we regulary deny our emotional pain.  Men do this more often than women who tend to desire to discuss and work on their emotional lives more than men. 

Also, men take the lead in denial because they are not hardwired to process their emotions on a regular basis and because they often have more to pain to deny with the parent of the same sex.  Females are fortunate in that, by and large, they enjoy closer and more affirming relationships with their mothers than men do with their fathers. However, females whose mothers are controlling or selfish can deny as much as or even more than men.

Another major cause of a lack of self-knowledge is pride. 

Please review the list below and see if you can identify any of these conflicts in yourself or in your fiance/fiancee? 

Conflicts in self-giving include:

• Lack of self-knowledge
• Selfishness
• Controlling behaviors
• Excessive anger
• Sadness/loneliness
• Confidence conflicts
• Anxiety and a fear of trusting/being vulnerable
• Negative parental modeling
• Excessive sense of responsibility/worries
• Disordered self-giving
• Lack of charity
• Character weaknesses
• Poor communication patterns
• Guilt
• Failure to correct/be honest about difficulties
• Failure to understand the sacrament of marriage
• Use of contraceptives
• Internet pornography
• Neglect of spiritual life.

Do you recognize some of these weaknesses in yourself and in your fiance/fiancee?  Please note them below.

1.

2.

3.

The following checklists are meant to give one a sense of important weaknesses in self-giving in yourself and in your future spouse. 

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Selfishness Checklist

Selfishness has been described as the major enemy of married love.  It is a personality weakness which all of us can struggle with at times. However, excessive selfishness is a major conflict which creates significant pain and suffering in loving relationships, marriages and families. In fact, it is a major cause of marital anger, conflict and divorce in the first five years of marriage

Selfishness turns a person in upon himself/herself, thereby severely damaging the ability to give oneself cheerfully in a loving relationship. It leads one to resent giving and it interferes with the ability to move from the mind set of "me" to the "we" of married life. When this weakness is identified in a serious dating relationship, too often it is not adequately addressed, but it should be.

Please complete the following selfishness checklist by identifying the appropriate number which applies to you and to your fiance/fiancee using this scale:

0 - Never | 1 - Very Little | 2 - Moderately Often | 3 - Very Often

Insensitive to loved ones

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Does not give adequately to the friendship

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Excessively angry when everything doesn't go as one wants

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Exaggerated sense of self importance

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Unwilling to make a commitment to marriage

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Acts immaturely

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Very sloppy

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Strong sense of entitlement

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Expects automatic compliance with his or her expectations

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Manipulative

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Uses others to obtain one's ends

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Critical of others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Substance abuse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Lacks empathy

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Unwilling to identify with the feelings and needs of others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Acts like a spoiled child

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Always demands to have one's own way

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Preoccupied with materialism

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Doesn't give enough romantically

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Talks about oneself excessively

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Failure to attend to the needs of others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Is often envious of others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Believes that others are always jealous of him or her

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Obsessed with physical appearance

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Tends to avoid responsibility in some major area of life

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Lacks empathy for others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Lazy

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Failure to care about important matters

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Acts helpless to get one's way

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Clings to the sick role

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Blames others for failures or shortcomings

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Doesn't enjoy giving

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Seeks to be center of attention

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Controlling

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Flirts excessively

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Doesn't pay attention to the person he or she is talking to

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Financially irresponsible

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Tries to turn all conversations upon oneself

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Plays excessively to avoid responsibility

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Refuses to clean up after oneself

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Excessive eating

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Always portray self as the victim

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Explosive anger

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Resents doing work in the home

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Obsessed with physical appearance

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Excessive time on the internet

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

When something goes wrong it's always someone else's fault

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Requires excessive admiration

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Exaggerates physical and emotional symptoms as a way to control

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Lack of genuine interest in others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Uses others sexually

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Excessive time in sports or in working out

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Fantasizes unlimited success

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Difficulty praising others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Expects self to be perfect

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Tends to seek power or influence over others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Internet pornography use

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Refuses to clean up after oneself

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Lack of temperance

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Reacts to criticism with strong anger

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Refuses to clean up after oneself

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Financially irresponsible

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Unwilling to express appreciation to others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Only wants the best things in life

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Grandiose thinking

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Narcissism Total:

A score below 30 indicates a low level selfishness, a score of 30 to 60 a moderate level of selfishness and above 60 a high level of selfishness.

What was your score here?  ___

What was the score of fiance/fiancee?  ___

When engaged people identify excessive selfishness in their loved one, we recommend that they ask him/her to work on this weakness by trying to grow in a number of virtues. These virtues include generosity, humility, sacrificial giving, faith and cheerful self-giving.  The initial response to this discussion is often one of defensiveness. Many individuals with this response will try to project their conflict insisting that their loved one has this difficulty. Fortunately, most individuals are willing to look at themselves and to work on growing in virtues to overcome this personality conflict.  The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in an Age of Entitlement (2009) by Jean Twenge and C. Whittaker is an important book which describes the severity of this problem today.  You don't want to miss or fail to address this weaknesses in yourself or in your future spouse.

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The Marital Friendship and the Self-Giving Checklist

The marital friendship and marital happiness are dependent upon the ability of spouses to give themselves to each other, to their children, to work, to the care of the home, to relatives and friends and, in Christian marriages, to God. The self-giving checklist below helps couples evaluate the quality of their self-giving.

Please rate the self-giving in yourself and to your fiance/fiancee and by identifying the appropriate number on the following measure.

0 - Never | 1 - Very Little | 2 - Moderately Often | 3 - Very Often

Thinking

Commit to be giving and loving to your spouse, children and others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Reflect on spouse as a God-given gift to one's life

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Commit to be responsible for spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Recognizes the good in one's fiance/fiancee

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Think of spouse as one's best friend

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Commit to receive the love of spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Try to understand spouse's needs

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Think of trusting and forgiving daily

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Consider your spouse as your best friend

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Decide not to be overly independent

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Appreciate and be thankful for God-given gifts

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Avoid placing unreasonable expectations on spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Commit to growth in virtues

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Thinking Total:

Verbally

Communicate in a loving, positive and cheerful manner

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Be willing to state how you feel

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Listen

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Share hopes, joys, dreams fears, worries, etc

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Avoid the expression of excessive anger

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Communicate all important issues in one's life to your spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Be honest with your spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Try to avoid being negative or critical

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Able to discuss the Church's truth about love and human sexuality

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Communicate one's needs

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Encourage your spouse to grow

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Offer correction when necessary in a gentle and loving manner.

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Verbal Total:

Emotionally

Receive spouse's love and gifts

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Be affectionate and loving

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Help your spouse feel loved

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Encourage

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Trust daily

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Forgive daily

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Give yourself emotionally and sexually

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Praise and affirm

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Try not to repeat parental emotional weaknesses

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Humbly accept correction

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Overlook weaknesses and be patient

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Avoid rehashing past hurts

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Open to face emotional weaknesses

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do not expect your spouse to resolve your family of origin conflicts

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Emotional Total:

Behaviorally

Treat spouse as one's best friend and as a special gift

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Be present to your spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Spend quality time with spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Have balance in life

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Place your spouse ahead of work or other activities

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Care for your spouse, self, children and the home

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Return to the home in a positive, cheerful manner

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Plan date nights with your spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Try not to repeat parents' weaknesses

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Give to your children and other relatives

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Be open cheerfully to your spouse's views

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Work on friendships

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Prudence in spending

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Honesty about finances

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Neither neglect nor spoil your spouse or your children

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do not isolate yourself with the TV, computer, hobbies, etc.

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Avoid controlling or being controlled by one's spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Keep in contact with family members

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Try to go to bed often at the same time as your spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Give oneself romantically to one's spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Behavioral Total:

Spiritually

Place God first

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Try to be another Christ to your spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Pray for and with spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Go to Church with spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Commit oneself to growth in virtue

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Struggle against selfishness

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Depend on the love of the Lord, Father, Spirit and Our Lady

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Be open to God's plan for children

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Try to form and lead the children spiritually

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Go to the sacrament of reconciliation regularly and even see a spiritual director

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Trust the Lord with your spiritual life, marriage, children, finances, worries, etc

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Spiritual Total:

Now, how do you think you and your future spouse do in regard to giving yourselves emotionally and verbally to

• the romantic aspect of your relationship

• the friendship.

If you identify major weaknesses in self-giving while engaged, it is important to be honest and to communicate issues of concern. The chapter on the emotionally distant spouse may now be helpful in understanding how conflicts in emotional self-giving in marriage can be addressed. In men the most common cause of a weakness in emotional self-giving is the result of modeling after a father with this conflict. In women the most common weakness in emotional self-giving in our experience is the result of a difficulty in trusting which is often due to betrayal experiences or to modeling after a mistrustful mother. The chapter on negative parental legacies also can be helpful in the resolution of these issues. 

 

Premarital discussion of pornography use

In view of the high prevalence of pornography use by single men and the severe harm caused early in marriages by pornography, premarital programs should attempt to uncover this major conflict that will interfere with marital self-giving. These men should be instructed in the severe harm caused to marriage by pornography and make a commitment to resolve this conflict and to avoid its use in married life. If the person is unwilling to address and resolve this conflict, a young woman should reconsider marriage and the Church should consider not allowing such a person to marry.

Engaged couples should be informed in the premarital programs about the origins of pornography use and the harm it causes to men, women and marriages. 

The origins of the compulsive use of pornography include:

• Selfishness
• Loneliness and sadness
• Marital conflicts with a controlling, angry, critical, selfish, emotionally distant or negative spouse
• Confidence weaknesses
• Excessive sense of responsibility with lack of balance in life
• Poor body image
• Social isolation
• Mistrust and anxiety in relationships
• Excessive anger
• Guilt and shame
• Lack of self-giving to others
• Difficulty in receiving love
• Disordered priorities
• Excessive sense of independence
• Boredom with contraceptive sex
• Lack of acceptance by peers, particularly in adolescents and in the adolescent stage of development
• Lack of sense of fulfillment

The damage to marital love includes:

• a belief that fantasy is better than authentic love
• growth in selfishness - the major enemy of marital love
• failure to understand and appreciate the beauty and sacredness of marital love
• lack of refinement in self-giving to the romantic aspect of marriage, to the marital friendship and to the intimate relationship
• Diminished communication with one's spouse with harm to the marital friendship
• Damage to the wife's ability to trust and then to to experience pleasure with her husband which upsets him
• severe sadness, anger, mistrust and insecurity in the victim spouse
• harm to marital intimacy
• disordered view of beauty, goodness and sexuality
• increased vulnerability to adultery
• increased risk for marital separation and divorce
• weakened spiritual life.

Damage to young men from pornography and compulsive masturbation includes:

• involvement in a fantasy world that undermines the ability to relate to young women in a healthy way
• interferes with the development of a healthy personality
• fosters the hook-up culture
• results in sexual obesity
• can lead to severe loneliness, depression, weak confidence and social anxiety
• damages male confidence
• leads to reclusiveness and to an escape from reality  
• increases guilt,shame
• perpetuates lies and deceit
• harms faith that strengthens men 
• weakens men thus preventing them from fulfilling their role as protectors and leaders and physical and spiritual fathers
• damages the relationship with the Lord
• loss of respect in women with increased tendency to control, dominate and overreact in anger
• harms the ability to understand and want to make a loving commitment in marriage

Warning signs of pornography include:

• neglect of the marital friendship
• neglect of the romantic aspect of the marriage
• loss of interest in the intimate relationship
• increased tendency to isolate
• increased irritability
• decrease in positive, loving communication
• increased viewing of pornography in the home.

Response to pornography use in the future spouse:

• describe the betrayal pain that is identical to that of infidelity of sadness, anger, fears and mistrust and insecurity/loss of confidence 
• attempt to do so without excessive anger by first forgiving 
• give correction and demand change 
• insist that he know himself, work to overcome the conflict and meet with a third party as a couple
• challenge future spouse to be loyal to upcoming marital vows to be true to and to honor.

Another important step that needs to be taken is that of placing an internet monitoring program, such as

www.covenanteyes.com on the offending person's computer that will send a weekly report of the websites visited to the woman.  Men are warned that if regular pornography use is found that the engagment will end.

Damage to spiritual life

The Catechism of the Catholic states, "Pornography consists in removing real or simulated sexual acts from the intimacy of the partners, in order to display them deliberately to third parties. It offends against chastity because it perverts the conjugal act, the intimate giving of spouses to each other. It does grave injury to the dignity of its participants, since each one becomes an object of base pleasure and illicit profit for others. It immerses all who are involved in the illusion of a fantasy world. It is a grave offense. Civil authorities should prevent the production and distribution of pornographic materials." Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2354

Bishop Paul Loverde's pastoral letter on pornography describes the spiritual damage caused by pornography, "This plague stalks the souls of men, women and children, ravages the bonds of marriage and victimizes the most innocent among us. It obscures and destroys people?s ability to see one another as unique and beautiful expressions of God?s creation, instead darkening their vision, causing them to view others as objects to be used and manipulated."

"Our natural vision in this world is the model for supernatural vision in the next. Once we have distorted or damaged that template, how will we understand that reality? Those who engage in such activity?deprive themselves of sanctifying grace, destroy the life of Christ in their souls, and prevent them from receiving Holy Communion until they have received absolution through the Sacrament of Penance .... The human person progressively builds or destroys his or her character by each and every moral choice." Paul S. Loverde, Bought with a Price: Pornography and the Attack on the Living Temple of God, (2006), www.arlingtondiocese.org/documents/BoughtPrice_F.pdf.

.

Bishop Robert W. Finn, in a pastoral letter on the dangers of pornography wrote, “Pornography depends on the exploitation of other persons: frequently the desperate or poor or the innocent young.” He wrote, paraphrasing John Paul II, that "the problem with pornography is not that it reveals too much of the person (exposed in the image), but that it reveals too little of the person. The person in the image is reduced to their sexual organs and sexual faculties and is thereby de-personalized," Blessed Are The Pure In Heart: A Pastoral Letter on the Dignity of the Human Person and the Dangers of Pornography, February 21, 2007, www.diocese-kcsj.org/_docs/Pastoral-02-07.pdf.  

Internet pornography healing

We have found this six point recovery plan to be effective.  It includes:

• self-knowledge
• growth in virtues
• friendships/peer support
• protection of the home
• 12 step group for those with addictions
• spiritual plan

The addictions chapter on this website can provide assistance to those who struggle in this area.  Also, we will soon post a pornography webinar that presents in depth this six point plan in addition to clinical information in the addiction chapter on this website.

Dr. Kleponis gave two conferences to all the priests in the Archdiocese of New York on pornography in June 2010.  His subsequent Zenit interviews on the healing of pornography conflicts can be beneficial to those who are engaged

www.zenit.org/article-29697?l=english www.zenit.org/article-29706?l=english .

www.zenit.org/article-29697?l=english, www.zenit.org/article-29706?l=english.  

 

New educational material and approaches are needed in precana programs on the epidemic of pornography in order to protect the sacrament of marriage and Catholic families. .

Sadness/Loneliness

Many people bring into their marriages varying degrees of loneliness and sadness from a parental relationship, most often from the father relationship.  The identification of this weakness can be helpful because spousal love, while being very powerful, cannot go back in time and bring comfort to a wounded lonely child within the spouse.  Unfortunately, many spouses make major mistakes by not identifying their loneliness from their family background and solely blaming their spouses for their unhappiness.

Listed below are the common causes of unhappiness and sadness which people bring into their marriages. Please identify any of the following issues, which might apply to you or to your fiancee.

    * Unresolved sadness from the father relationship

    * Unresolved sadness from the mother relationship

    * History of serious parental conflicts

    * Parental divorce or separation

    * Hurts in significant relationships prior to marriage

    * Unresolved sadness from sibling or peer rejection

    * Negative parental legacies such as modeling after a depressed and anxious parent

    * Lack of a close friendships

    * Loneliness for a close sibling relationship

    * Lack of balance in life

    * Emotionally distant parent

    * Controlling parent

    * Critical, negative parent

    * Angry parent

    * Fear of trusting

    * Selfish, materialistic parents

    * Lack of a sense of purpose in life

    * Unhappiness in one’s work

    * Inability to discuss honestly stressful issues

    * Anxious, worried parent

    * Depressed, sad parent

    * Preoccupation with financial worries

    * Difficulty in letting go of burdens/worries

    * Confidence too dependent on financial/career success or physical appearance

    * Selfishness

    * Substance abuse

    * Lack of virtues and self-giving        

    * Preoccupation with material possessions.

Do you think that either of you have brought a degree of sadness or loneliness into your marriage from your relationship with one of your parents or from a prevoius relationship?

The most common type of loneliness we see in our work is from the father relationship. The next most common type is from divorce pain in which the sadness is the result of growing up in a home in which the person was not enriched by the love of between a father and mother.

If you have identified wounds of sadness/loneliness in yourself or if your finance/fiancee has, a discussion of this issue should be helpful.  The depressed/lonely spouse chapter on this site also can be beneficial in understanding and in resolving the emotional wound of loneliness and sadness.

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Mistrust Checklist -

The ability to trust and to feel safe is the foundation for self-giving and for receiving love. If we do not feel safe and relaxed, we can withhold love, be unable to receive love, act angry in order to distance loved ones or try to control those we love. Uncovering and healing trust wounds, as well as protecting the ability to trust, are essential to romantic love, marital friendship and to betrothed love.

Significant numbers of people enter marriage with deep unconscious trust weaknesses because of trauma from parental conflicts, divorce, sibling or peer rejection and hurts in previous loving relationships. Often this trust wound is completely unconscious, but emerges under times of stress even during the tiem just prior to the marriage.

Please rate the symptoms and the origins of mistrust in your life -

Thinking

• Catastrophic thinking (something bad is going to happen)
• Rigid thinking-a lack of openness
• Excessive criticism of others (as an unconscious way to distance people)
• Negative thinking
• Suspiciousness
• Hypochondriacal thinking (fear of serious illness)
• Paranoid thinking
• Excessive fantasy life
• Obsessional thoughts of controlling others
• View reasonable expectations of future spouse as control pressure
• Excessive worrying
• Difficulty concentrating

Behaviors

• Numerous controlling behaviors
• Doesn’t listen
• Inability to show affection (fearful of being vulnerable)
• Difficulty praising others (fearful of allowing anyone to be close)
• Difficulty initiating affection
• Doesn’t support loved one
• Inability to include others in making important decisions
• Overly controlling with money
• Flight from committed relationships by excessive work, hobbies, or other interests - including too many religious activities
• Inability to trust loved one with important life decisions
• Few close friends
• Compulsive eating
• Excessive drinking or drug usage
• Addiction to pornography (escape to fantasy world and selfishness)
• Difficulty giving to the loving friendship
• Fear of flying, elevators or bridges
• Tendency to isolate oneself
• Difficulty in receiving help or advice from others
• Difficulty in receiving love
• A need to have things his/her own way
• Withdrawal from others in front of TV, books, computer, etc.
• Overly strong dealing with others (caused by fear of being hurt)
• Poor team player
• Compulsive masturbation
• Attempt to isolate family from relatives
• Excessive financial fears
• Restlessness and hyperactivity (an absence of feeling safe)
• Aggressive behaviors
• Criticizes loved ones in front of others
• Tries to cut loved one off from family or friends
• Lack of responsibility for loved one.

Emotions

• Regularly irritable or hostile (anger keeps others at distance)
• Overly anxious
• Panic attacks
• Overreacting emotionally to minor life events
• Rarely relaxed or peaceful
• Bad temper
• Overly upset when things don’t go as planned
• Very lonely (fearful of being vulnerable and of receiving love)
• Fear of the future
• Emotional rigidity
• Lack of gentleness
• Easily fatigued
• Sleep disturbance
• Social anxiety

Physical Health

• Irritable bowel syndrome
• Muscle spasms in different parts of the body
• Colitis
• Chronic fatigue
• Vulnerability to all major diseases if mistrust persists for years
• Severe headaches
• Muscle tension
• Light headedness
• Dizziness
• Nausea
• Rapid heart beat

Spiritual Life

• Weak spiritual life
• Difficulty in listening
• Limited ability to pray
• Mistrust of the Holy Father and Magisterium
• Difficulty in meditating
• Withdrawal into religion (excess religiosity)
• Limited ability to receive God’s love

A score below 10 indicates mild mistrust, a score between 10 and 20 shows moderate mistrust and above 20, severe mistrust.

Now please rate the origins of trust weaknesses in yourself.

Origins of Mistrust at Different Life Stages

Childhood

• Emotionally distant- unaffectionate parents
• Excessive time in day care
• Modeling after fearful, mistrustful or overly controlling parent
• Serious illness in a parent, sibling, or oneself
• Parental separation or divorce
• Alcoholic or narcissistic parent
• Loss of a parent, brother, sister, or close friend
• Legacy of mistrust and fear in the family
• Weak confidence
• Rejection by peers
• Victimization by the excessive anger of others
• Poverty

Adolescence

• Same causes as in childhood
• Poor body image
• Difficulty in playing sports
• Parental separation or divorce
• Post abortion trauma
• Treatment as a sexual object

Adult Life

• Same as in childhood and adolescence
• Repetition of the weakness of a mistrustful parent
• Betrayals in loving relationships
• Insensitive treatment by family members
• Controlling, angry or selfish behaviors from others in previous relationships
• Weak confidence
• Rejection by significant others
• Divorce
• Unjust treatment by bosses or co-workers
• Financial pressures
• Treatment as a sexual object
• Loss of job
• Loss of health
• Lack of faith

Mistrust from parental divorce

Dr. Judith Wallerstein's studies of the children of divorce, described in her books, Second Chances and The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, have demonstrated that the mistrust wound in young adults is difficult to resolve, particularly with parents who were very selfish.  We have found that the fears of betrayal in Catholic young adults from divorced families can be healed by resolving anger with parents and then building trust.  The role of spirituality here is as important as in the treatment of serious addictive disorders.  We recommend a modification of the first two steps of AA.  Here the person reflects on being powerless over fears of betrayal/marriage and anger and then turning them over to God.  Also, they are helped by meditating each morning, "Lord help me to forgive those who have damaged my ability to trust and to feel safe in a trusting, loving marital relationship ." 

Mistrust from a previous divorce

Engaged men and women whose first marriage ended in divorce with annulment have experienced severe emotional betrayal pain which is often unconscious,   Perhaps the greatest damage from divorce, which by the way is referred to in the Catechism of the Catholic Church as a plague because of its far reaching harm, is to the person’s ability to trust, that is, to maintain an ongoing safe feeling in a marital relationship. Trust is the essential foundation for self-giving in marriage.  Unless the serious conflict with trust is addressed, it is very likely that mistrust will emerge in a second marriage and greatly harm that the marital friendship.  Perhaps, the greatest damage is done by the compulsive need to control and by markedly limited self-giving in these persons as a result of their weakness in feeling safe.

In our clinical experience most engaged persons who were previously married lack both self-knowledge of their trust weakness and of how this conflict can be healed.  We believe self-knowledge can increase by completing the mistrust and anger checklists in this chapter. 

Post divorce mistrust can be resolved by uncovering anger with the ex and by committing to engage in the hard work of forgiving the former spouse.  In addition we have found it helpful for the engaged person to meditate that he/she is powerless over their fears of being betrayed again and then turn them over to God.  Also, meditating daily on first trusting God and then trusting one’s spouse assists in the healing of the serious trust wound. Finally, many individuals have found it helpful to meditate regularly, “Lord help me to feel safe with my spouse and heal my fears of being betrayed again." 

The other engaged person must exercise patience as the future spouse works through the mistrust issues from the previous marriage and should not be afraid to point out mistrustful behaviors and to discuss healing of the loved one's pain. There can be a significant resistance to the idea that he or she even has such mistrust wound. Thus, the engaged person who was not divorced will have to bear a burden of that previous marital wound for a period of time. Engaged couples who are dealing with this type of mistrust stress can benefit from counseling with a mental health professional who is skilled in the psychotherapeutic uses of forgiveness,

The trusting engaged person can feel shocked, confused and at times angered when he or she encounters the mistrust wound and behaviors. The loved one's mistrust is experienced regularly as being foreign to him/her because the expectation was that the loved one would enjoy cheerful self-giving and a very close loving friendship.  Subsequently, major adjustments are necessary to not only accommodate the mistrust but also to participate in the healing.  Here the virtues of forgiveness, patience, hope and fortitude are essential.  The forgiveness used is not only of the loved one, but also of the former spouse who caused the trust wound.  Finally, the ongoing use of the mistrust and marital self-giving checklists can be beneficial in documenting the degree of progress.

Sudden Ending of Engagements

A number of individuals experience overwhelming anxiety as the date of the marriage approaches.  At times this can lead to intense and paralyzing fears which can be so emotionally disabling that a person may decide to cancel the wedding. Such behavior can be the result of an unconscious profound weakness in trusting which can arise from various types of serious betrayal experiences with a parent, sibling, relative, or close friend. Fortunately, these conflicts can be resolved so that a person can be relaxed and cheerful in giving oneself completely in marriage. However, the decision to end the engagement can be appropriate because of the discovery of major conflicts in the relationship which are not being addressed.

Controlling Behaviors

Controlling tendencies and behaviors are another common source of conflict in the engagement period as well as in married life.  A particularly sensitive issue can be the attempt to control the moral life of a loved one with an associated insistence on sexual intimacy.  If there is a recognition of a strong tendency to control in your engaged relationship, it should be addressed. The controlling spouse chapter, which is the most frequently visited chapter on this site, can be helpful in understanding how to deal with these challenging people. In addition, since controlling behaviors often are acquired from modeling after a controlling parent, the chapter on parental legacies can also be beneficial.

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Anger Checklist

Excessive anger is one the most common causes of conflict in loving relationships. Fortunately, when this unique and powerful emotion is uncovered and addressed, its negative influence can be reduced significantly and often resolved. When strong resentment occurs during the time of engagement, a major mistake can be the failure to address this conflict. 

John Paul II in his first encyclical, The Redeemer of Man, wrote, "To be a sincere gift of themselves human persons must possess a full freedom which comes only from mastery of oneself."  Mastering anger is essential to a happy, healthy marriage and family.

Please rate yourself on the checklist below -

Active Marital Anger

Mild

• Irritable
• Excessive quarreling or arguing
• Impatient
• Frequently frustrated
• Frequently annoyed

Moderate

• Lies
• Overly aggressive & antagonistic
• Sarcasm
• Excessively competitive
• Bullying of others
• Jealous
• Chronic violation of rules at work
• Callous
• Hostile
• Excessive swearing
• Overly critical
• Rude
• Tries to ruin some one’s reputation
• Quits jobs regularly
• Negative

Severe

• Verbally abusive
• Stealing and forgery
• Explosive anger
• Violent acts against people, property, or oneself
• Threats of violence
• Repeated drunkenness
• Excessive recklessness
• Fire setting
• Disregard for other’s safety

Please also rate and then list the score of your future spouse - __.

Passive-Aggressive Marital Anger

Mild

• Always late/leaves early
• Deliberately sloppy
• Uncooperative attitude
• Acts forgetful
• Procrastinates - deliberately puts things off
• Twists the truth
• Refuses to do what is reasonably expected
• Door banging
• Withdrawn
• Deliberately slow
• Pretends not to hear or see
• Walks out on people
• Refuses to listen
• Manipulative
• Rehashes the past

Moderate

• Refuses to clean the home or oneself
• Acts sick or helpless
• Overly stubborn
• Withholds support
• Works markedly below one's ability
• Impulsive - failure to plan ahead
• Deliberately avoids or ignores someone
• Refuses to function as a responsible parent or spouse
• Distances others
• Always negative
• Refuses to praise or compliment
• Deliberately makes mistakes
• Silent treatment
• Won’t communicate
• Absenteeism in work
• Refuses to be responsible
• Refuses to work regularly
• Enjoys seeing people become upset
• Divisive

Severe

• Refuses to eat
• Doesn’t receive love
• Deliberately fails at work
• Refuses to take care of a serious health problem
• Withhold love from a spouse
• Failure to attend to the needs of the spouse or children
• Avoids intimacy
• Undermine childrens’ trust/respect for spouse or other important relatives/friends
• Deliberately tries to be sick
• Always in victim role
• Failure to pay bills
• Con-artist
• False accusations
• Neglect of the home

Please also rate and then list the score of your future spouse - ___.

The most common cause of excessive anger we have seen in engaged couples is selfishness.  Unresolved anger from hurts in the father relationship is also commonly seen, particularly in men.  Other causes of anger are a need to control, a lack of trust, disordered priorities, materialism, modeling after an angry parent, hurts in previous loving relationships and anxieties or weaknesses in confidence.

An engaged person should not be fearful of asking the person they love to work on resolving their selfish, angry or critical behaviors.  The virtue of forgiveness is highly effective when used regularly prior to marriage in decreasing anger from the past and the present.  The virtues of generosity, self-denial and faith can prevent overreactions in anger caused by selfishness.

We expect all spouses seen in marital therapy to be able to identify the parent who disappointed them the most.  Then, we ask them to spend time thinking of themselves as children or teenagers and to imagine saying to this parent, "Dad/Mom I want to understand your childhood and pressures and try to forgive you." Although there is resistance to this past forgiveness exercise initially, it is a basic aspect of the process of decreasing marital anger. 

We believe that marital conflicts can be prevented if past forgiveness exercises were part of the Church’s precana programs.  The chapter on marital anger may be helpful to you if you wish to learn more about decreasing anger in loving relationships .

Asking for Forgiveness

Engaged and marital friendships often improve when one humbly requests forgiveness for hurts and insensitivities. Since most of us overreact emotionally at times, a request for forgiveness for controlling, selfish, angry or emotionally distant behaviors is completely reasonable and appropriate. When the person tries to understand and to forgive, anger diminishes, trust increases and with it increased emotional closeness. Also, the relationship memory is purified. The purification of the relationship memory by removing anger and guilt results in a diminished likelihood of overreacting in anger toward one's fiance/fiancee in the future. The request for forgiveness protects the loving friendship when used regularly. If you haven't tried it yet in your engagement, I suggest that you consider doing so...soon!

Evaluate your anger -

Finally, consider rating your anger on another measure, the Fitzgibbons Anger Inventory, which we have been using for almost 20 years. This inventory is the only measure in this chapter which has been demonstrated in a research study to be a quantatively valid measure. Please answer by identifying the appropriate number using this scale on the following anger checklist:

0 - Never | 1 - Very Little | 2 - Moderately Often | 3 - Very Often

Are you irritable at work, school, or home?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you lose your temper when driving or riding in a car?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

When asked to do something at home, work, or school do you tend to procrastinate?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

When angry do you give others the silent treatment?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you have difficulty allowing people to become close to you?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Are you tense or critical during meals?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Are you frequently in a hurry or impatient?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you lose your temper?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you feel you could hurt someone if you expressed your anger?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

When angry do you act as if you have forgotten what you have been asked to do?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Does the expression of anger make you feel strong or give you pleasure?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you have difficulty giving praise or expressing thanks to others?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you have thoughts of punishing or hurting others by withholding your love?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Are you often late for work, school, appointments, engagements, etc.?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you have angry outbursts or tantrums?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

When angry do you deliberately make mistakes or perform tasks slowly?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you ever have thoughts of hurting yourself?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

During the evening are you angry or critical?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you think of punishing those who have disappointed you by hurting yourself; for example, through illness, alcohol, drug usage, dangerous behavior, or through failure in important areas of your life?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Are you overly polite and apologetic when you are angry or provoked?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you find yourself being very competitive?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you isolate yourself at home, work, or school?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you experience thoughts or feelings of prejudice against others?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you initiate quarreling or are you often argumentative?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Is it difficult for you to give up your desire to seek revenge against those who have hurt you or someone you love?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you drink excessively?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you act in an aggressive manner with others?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Are you manipulative?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you have difficulty trusting people?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you tend to over react to minor events?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you attract others and then push them away when you know they are attracted to you?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you enjoy violent films or books?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you feel angry about your responsibilities?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Are you critical of those with whom you live in regards to their abilities or physical appearance?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you fantasize expressing anger physically against those who have hurt you or someone you love?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you find yourself trying to control others?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Would you rather be with animals than with people?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Are you disappointed with yourself?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you have difficulty accepting your anger when you've been disappointed or hurt?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you misdirect your anger?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you provoke others?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you become angry when you reflect on the events of the day?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you have difficulty allowing people to touch you?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Overall Total:

Trust Score:

Passive-aggressive Score:

Violent Potential Score:

Interpreting the scores:

1. Overall Total less than 45 - Mild Anger
2. 45 to 65 - Moderate Anger
3. Over 65 - High Anger
4. Over 6 on the Trust score - Significant
5. Over 9 on the Passive-aggressive score - Significant
6. Over 7 on the Violent potential score - Significant

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Parental Legacies - Family of Origin Gifts and Weaknesses

The repetition of a parent's emotional, behavioral, relational or spiritual weakness is one of the most common family of origin conflicts which emerges under various types of stresses in married life. This difficulty can arise even if the spouse had decided previously not to repeat a specific parental weakness in their marriage and family life. For example, someone might have thought, "I will not overreact in anger or be emotionally distant as my father was or I will not repeat my mother’s tendency to control or not trust," only to discover the negative parental pattern being repeated in their marriage.   Current neuroscience points to the mirron neurons in the brain as influencing this poweful modeling.

Although the parental modeling process from early in childhood has a strong influence upon later relationships, these conflicts can be identified and resolved. At the same time, parental gifts and abilities can be identified and embraced.

Please identify the positive parental gifts below first for your father.

Emotional Traits

• Emotionally giving and affectionate
• Able to receive love and affection
• Hopeful
• Cheerful
• Forgiving/controlled temper
• Trusting
• Confident in God-given gifts
• Encouraged others
• Able to praise
• Able to receive a correction
• Not obsessed with appearance
• Able to receive affection
• Avoided rehashing past hurts
• Open to face emotional weaknesses
• Did not place unreasonable expectations upon your spouse or children

Behavioral Traits

• Good communicator
• Hardworking
• Spent quality time with spouse and children
• Sought balance in life
• Placed spouse and children ahead of work or other activities
• Cared for your spouse, children and the home
• Gave to your children and other relatives
• Worked on friendships
• Prudence in spending/good financial manager
• Temperate with food, drink, exercise, work
• Honesty about finances
• Neither neglected nor spoiled spouse or children
• Self control with TV, computer, hobbies, etc.
• Avoided controlling or being controlled by spouse
• Kept in contact with family members
• Invited family and friends into the home
• Dependent upon spouse and others in an appropriate manner
• Good listener

Character

• Tried to grow in virtues
• Generous/not selfish
• Kind
• Compassionate
• Patient
• Humble
• Strong and courageous
• Prudent
• Cheerful
• Concern for justice and the poor
• Temperate/forgiving
• Modest
• Thankful
• Sincere/truthful
• Solidarity with others
• Detached
• Gentle

Intellectual Life

• Enjoyed reading
• Encouraged intellectual development in spouse and children

Spiritual Life

• Strong faith
• Love
• Hope
• Prayerful
• Placed God first
• Dependent on God
• Tried to be another Christ to spouse and children
• Went to Church with spouse
• Shared faith with others
• Prayed with spouse
• Tried to do God’s will
• Depended on the love of God
• Opened to God’s plan for number of children
• Tried to form and lead the children spiritually
• Went to mass and the sacrament of reconciliation regularly
• Trusted the Lord with all concerns: marriage, children, finances, work, etc.
• Supported and communicated the teaching of the Church on sexual morality, marriage, justice
• Not obsessed with material possessions

What are the important gifts/strengths which you have acquired from your father?

1.

2.

3.

What are the important gifts/strengths which you have acquired from your mother?

1.

2.

3.

What are some of the strengths you see in your future spouse which he/she acquired from a parent?

1.

2.

3.

Now please identify the weaknesses in your father and in your mother.

Emotional Traits

• Sad
• Unable to communicate love or praise
• Irritable, bad temper
• Insecure
• Anxious
• Controlling/mistrustful
• Emotionally distant
• Difficulty receiving love
• Negative
• Critical, unable to praise
• Unable to accept correction
• Obsessed with appearance
• Unwilling to address emotional weaknesses
• Unreasonable expectations placed upon spouse and others
• Self-centered
• Rebellious
• Rude and abusive

Behavioral Traits

• Didn’t spend quality time with spouse and children
• Unbalanced life
• Resentful of giving in the home or at work
• Outside interest more important than spouse and children
• Failure to care properly about needs of spouse, children and the home
• Unwilling to set aside time for spouse and children
• Lacked enjoyment in giving to children, relatives or friends
• Unwilling to work on friendships
• Poor judgment in spending / not good with finances
• Lack of temperance with food, drink, exercise, work
• Not honest about finances
• Tendency to spoil spouse and children
• Isolation with the TV, computer, books, hobbies, etc.
• Controlling
• Allowed oneself to be controlled by spouse
• Lack of contact with family members
• Acted independently of spouse
• Lazy

Character

• Rude/harsh
• Selfish
• Lack of compassion or empathy
• Tendency to gossip
• Impatient
• Unkind
• Proud
• Weak
• Imprudent, lack of discretion
• Negative
• Lack of concern for justice and the poor
• Intemperate
• Lack of modesty
• Ungrateful
• Insincere/untruthful
• Lack commitment to others
• Obsessed with possessions

Intellectual Life

• Avoided reading
• Discouraged intellectual development of spouse

Spiritual Life

• Weak faith
• Not hopeful/presumptuous
• Limited charity
• Not prayerful
• Placed self first
• Acts as though there were no need for God
• Embarrassed by faith
• Did not go to Church with spouse or children
• Not concerned about God’s will
• Not open to God’s plan for number of children
• Did not try to form and lead the children spiritually
• Did not go to the sacraments regularly
• Did not trust the Lord with marriage, children, finances, worries, work, etc.
• Did not communicate the teaching of the Church on sexual morality

What are the weaknesses which you have acquired from modeling after your father?

1.

2.

3.

What are the weaknesses which you have acquired from modeling after your mother?

1.

2.

3.

Now, here's a challenge. Please try to identify weaknesses your future spouse has from his/her parents.

1.

2.

3.

The most common negative parental legacy we see in men is a tendency to be emotionally distant or angry and in women a tendency to act in a controlling manner.  These weaknesses can be overcome, but not easily because modeling behavior is very powerful.  Fortunately, if a person has active faith, he/she can meditate, "Lord help me to repeat my parents good qualities, but not his/her weaknesses."

Confidence Checklist

Confidence in one’s God-given gifts and abilities and in one’s vocation strengthens the ability to receive and to give love and to cope with many of life's stresses and problems.

Please rate yourself on the following confidence checklist.

0 - Never | 1 - Very Little | 2 - Moderately Often | 3 - Very Often

Verbally

Rarely communicates love

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Unable to discuss marital conflicts

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Overly critical

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Difficulty in praising others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Overly quiet

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Unable to correct

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Ridicules spouse in front of others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Brags about accomplishments

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Fails to help spouse feel special

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Self-critical

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Pressured, rapid speech

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Puts others down to build self up

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Tries to provoke/challenge others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Exaggerates accomplishments

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Verbal Total:

Behaviorally

Distances spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Overly driven to prove oneself

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Hyperactive

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Preoccupied with appearance

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Lack of sexual intimacy

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Difficult to please

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Workaholic

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Acts in an arrogant manner

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Does not treat spouse as one's best friend

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Treats spouse like a sexual object, not a person

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Highly competitive

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Doesn't listen to others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Excessive need for attention

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Substance abuse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Compulsive sexual behaviors

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Unable to accept promotion

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Isolates oneself

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Compulsive use of pornography

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Needs to be the center of attention

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Not a good team player

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Treats others as though they were inferior

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Lack of close friends

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Looks excessively for affirmation from others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Tries to control others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Divisive

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Excessive need to be with parents

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Unable to help others feel good about themselves

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Doesn't work on friendships

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Compulsive masturbation

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Behavioral Total:

Thinking

Chronic thoughts of inadequacy

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Fantasies of superiority

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Obsessed with weaknesses

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Perfectionistic

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Critical thinking about others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Preoccupied with insecurities about work, marriage or child rearing

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Negative body image

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Places parent(s) ahead of spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Belief that one has little to offer others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Sense of being unworthy of being loved

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Obsessional thinking about mistakes

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Thinking Total:

Emotionally

Difficulty in showing love

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Jealousy

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Excessive anxiety

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Depression/sadness

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Difficulty in receiving love

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Lack of attention to romantic aspect of the marriage

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Strong anger

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Fear of correcting others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Emotionally distant

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Social anxiety

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

A sense of being unworthy of being loved

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Mood swings

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Self-hatred

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Restlessness

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Loneliness

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Can't accept praise

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Panic attacks

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Conflicts with shame

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Inappropriate guilt

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Lack of cheerfulness

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Excessive need for emotional support

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Performance anxiety

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Fear of communicating the Church's teaching on sexual morality and faith

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Emotional Total:

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Origins of Weak Confidence

Please complete the following checklist to identify the origins of weak confidence:

Childhood and Adolescence

• Weaknesses in parent or lack of affirmation or affection
• Insecure parent(s)
• Parental divorce or separation
• Parental anger
• Excessive quarreling between parents
• ADHD
• Poor body image
• Sibling rejection
• Modeling after an insecure parent
• Poor academic performance
• Sense of disappointing parent(s)
• Poor athletic abilities secondary to lack of eye-hand coordination which is necessary for baseball, basketball, football, soccer
• Few friendships
• Lack of faith
• Anger in teachers, culture, media against the teachings of the Church
• Excessive anxiety
• Sexual abuse victimization

Adulthood

• Marital conflicts with lack of affection, praise, friendship, romance
• Lack of balance in married life
• Career stress
• Financial worries
• Rejection in dating relationships
• Poor body image
• Family rejection
• Lack of faith
• Lack of trust
• Anger against Judeo-Christian morality in the culture, workplace, etc.
• Media bias against the Church
• Unemployment
• Poor body image
• Recipient of excessive anger/criticism at work
• Negative cultural pressures
• Divorce
• Abortion
• Contraceptive use

---

Marital Education

In this section we will address a number of issues which can help to protect a loving marital relationship.  These include communication, growth in virtues, cohabitation, faith and love and contraception. 

Again, a loving marital relationship is dependent upon the spouses having healthy personalities. In turn the way in which we can develop a healthy personality is by the commitment to face humbly our weaknesses and to make grow in virtues. Virtues can make both individuals and marriages strong. For example, the virtue of forgiveness can decrease anger; generosity can decrease selfishness and the need to control; trust can diminish anxiety and faith can decrease sadness and irritability.

The problem here is that most of us deny our weaknesses and need those we love to be honest with us about them.

Communication

A vital aspect of martial self-giving is that of communication with a spouse. Good marital communication is essential to maintaining and strengthening the marital friendship and love and to uncovering and reducing various types of stress. Dr. John Gottman, who is a renowned student of marital communication, has recommended that in order to have a healthy marriage there should be five positive comments for each negative comment. 

Gary Chapman's, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to your Mate (1992) , is an outstanding book for engaged couples which can help them to understand the primary love language of each person.  These love languages are:

 - words of affirmation

 - physical touch  

 - quality time

 - receiving gifts

 - acts of service.

The other very important language of love is that of sacrificial giving and loving.  Engaged couples benefit from recognizing that they will be called in the vocation of marriage to deny themselves and to give themselves in a sacrificial manner and that they do not have to fear such giving, especially to children.   The major obstacle to such Christ-like giving in marriage is selfishness, described by many as the major "enemy" of marital love.

The most common communication weakness we address in men is that of modeling after a father who did not communicate in a generous, cheerful and positive manner with his wife. The most common weakness we identify in women is that of communicating in a controlling manner which is experienced as being disrespectful.

The good news is that these acquired weaknesses can be overcome and the process is described in the parental legacies chapter.

As Pope Benedict has written in the Colloboration between Men and Women in the Church and in the World, that men have unique gifts which enable them to act calmly on behalf of the lives of loved ones. The special relational gifts and emotinal sensitivity to others in women can assist men in growing in their communication skills .

Please rate yourself by choosing the appropriate option on the marital communication scale below.

Positive Style			Negative Style
Giving	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)	vs.	Withdrawn	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)
Active listening	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)	vs.	Indifferent or constant talking	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)
Appreciative	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)	vs.	Critical	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)
Trusting	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)	vs.	Anxious, mistrustful	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)
Accepting	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)	vs.	Controlling, demanding	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)
Confident	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)	vs.	Insecure, sarcastic	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)
Cheerful	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)	vs.	Sad	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)
Gentle	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)	vs.	Irritable	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)
Relaxed	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)	vs.	Tense	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)
Respectful	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)	vs.	Demeaning/proud	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)
Charitable	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)	vs.	Selfish	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)
Complimentary	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)	vs.	Difficulty in praising/undermining	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)
Honest	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)	vs.	Unable to discuss conflicts or to correct	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)
Positive	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)	vs.	Negative, gossipy	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)
Mature	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)	vs.	Dependent, childish	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)
Encouraging	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)	vs.	Unsupportive	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)
Forgiving	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)	vs.	Passive-aggressive (silent treatment, cold, etc.), aggressive	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)
Positive Total:			Negative Total:

Do you recognize how positive and loving communication strengthens and builds your loved one's happiness and helps with his/her stresses?  Many couples from their experiences find truth in the proverb, "problems shared are halved."  Those with strong faith also report that they are helped by asking the Lord to help them to communicate more effectively, particularly men who had emotionally distant fathers.

If the communication style in your relationship is more negative than positive, please don't hold back in commenting on this weakness and ask for more positive communication.

.

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Virtues and the Marital Friendship

Growth in virtues strengthens the personality and helps with self-giving and receiving in marital friendship. Pope John Paul II wrote in his first encyclical, The Redeemer of Man, "To be sincere gift of themselves human persons must possess a full freedom which comes only from mastery of oneself." The virtues enable us to gain greater mastery over ourselves.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church, an. 1803, states, "A virtue is a habitual and firm disposition to do the good. It allows the person not only to perform good acts, but to give the best of himself. The virtuous person tends toward the good with all his sensory and spiritual powers; he pursues the good and chooses it in a concrete way. The goal of the virtuous life is to become like God."

Please rate the frequency with which you see the following virtues in yourself using the scale below:

0 - Never | 1 - Very Little | 2 - Moderately Often | 3 - Very Often

Love

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Hope

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Faith, trust

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Generosity

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Fortitude/Courage

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Temperance

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Justice

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Compassion

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Self-denial, Self-control

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Loyalty

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Cheerfulness

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Forgiveness

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Confidence

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Temperance

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Wisdom

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Prudence

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Responsibility

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Humility

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Gentleness/Kindness

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Chastity/Modesty

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Total:

Engaged couples should feel free to encourage one another to grow in virtues.  The Catechism of the Catholic Church states that, "Human virtues acquired by education, by deliberate acts and by a perseverance ever-renewed in repeated efforts are purified and elevated by divine grace. With God's help, they forge character and give facility in the practice of good. The virtuous man is happy to practice them, n. 1810."

Please don't be discouraged if you identify a number of weaknesses in yourself or in your loved one. The conflicts which interfere with self-giving love can be identified and resolved. If you have found major issues within yourself and in your loved one, consider going to chapters on this site which describe in detail how such conflicts can diminish and how self-giving love can be strengthened. Faith can play a powerful role in the healing of emotional weaknesses and of personality weaknesses through growth in virtues. 

Materialism

Several studies have shown how a preoccupation with materialism leads to marital unhappiness and loneliness regardless of one's income.

A major study found that higher levels of spousal materialism are associated with increased perception of financial problems, which in turn are negatively associated with levels of marital satisfaction and happiness. Materialistic attitudes have a stronger impact on spouses perceptions of financial problems than do levels of couple income. (Dean, R., et al. (2007). Materialism, Perceived Financial Problems, and Marital Satisfaction. Family & Consumer Sciences Research J. 35 (3), 260-281.)

The results of nine experiments suggest that money brings about a self-sufficient orientation in which people prefer to be free of dependency and dependents.  Reminders of money, relative to non money reminders, led to reduced requests for help and reduced helpfulness toward others. Participants primed with money preferred to play alone, work alone, and put more physical distance between themselves and others.  (Vohs, K, et al. (2006). The psychological consequences of money. Science, 17 November 2006, Vol. 314, pp 1154-56).

How would you evaluate the degree of materialism in your finance/fiancee and in yourself?

The Benefits of Faith to Marriages and Families

Numerous psychological studies demonstrate that religious faith and the awareness of God's love are beneficial to marriages and families. The strength of the family is intertwined with the practice of religion.  Married couples who go to church together are more likely to manifest higher levels of satisfaction in marriage and are less likely to be divorced.  Also, church attendance is a important predictor of marital stability and happiness.

The more frequently a husband attended religious services, the happier their wives said they were with the level of affection and understanding that they received and amount of time that their husbands spent with them,  W. Wilcox,W. B., 2004. Soft Patriarchs, New Men: How Christianity Shapes Fathers and Husbands. Chicago: University of Chicago Press, p.186.

Psychological research studies in the chapters on this web site on depression, anxiety, anger, selfishness and addiction demonstrate the benefits of faith in dealing with these common emotional and personality conflicts.  Faith helps couples deal more effectively with financial fears and family and work stresses by strenthening their ability to trust.  Also, we have seen an active faith be a source of ongoing confidence in men who struggle to maintain confidence and trust due to a lack of affirmation in their father relationship.  An awareness of God as another loving Father can be source of comfort and happiness for men in particular because most men have not been affirmed as much by the parent of the same sex as women have been.

Many Catholic women do struggle in their relationships with mothers who may be too controlling or critical and with their sisters.  These conflicts can interfere with their spiritual relationship with Our Lady. This emotional wound can be healed by a process of understanding, forgiving and working with a spiritual director on a relationship with Our Lady.

Religious belief and practice contribute substantially to the formation of virtues and sound moral judgment which contribute to development of a healthy personality which is essential for a happy marriage.  Also, regular religious practice can protect individuals against numerous life stresses and difficulties. 

Many Catholic couples report that the sacrament of reconciliation is helpful in addressing vices and weaknesses, such as anger and selfishness, which interfere with cheerful marital self-giving, and in overcoming negative behaviors which are the result of modeling after controlling, angry or emotionally distnt parent. Also, couples report that the Eucharist is an ongoing source of comforting love which strengthens them in their self-giving to their spouses, children and work.

In addition research studies demonstrate that ,the regular practice of religion is good for personal physical health: It increases longevity, improves one's chances of recovery from illness, and lessens the incidence of many severe diseases.

Pope Benedict described the beneficial relationship between human love and God's love. in his first encyclical, God is Love,  He wrote, "This in turn led us to consider two fundamental words: eros, as a term to indicate 'worldly' love and agape, referring to love grounded in and shaped by faith. Yet eros and agape-ascending love and descending love-can never be completely separated. The more the two, in their different aspects, find a proper unity in the one reality of love, the more the true nature of love in general is realized. Even if eros is at first mainly covetous and ascending, a fascination for the great promise of happiness, in drawing near to the other, it is less and less concerned with itself, increasingly seeks the happiness of the other, is concerned more and more with the beloved, bestows itself and wants to 'be there for' the other. The element of agape thus enters into this love, for otherwise eros is impoverished and even loses its own nature. On the other hand, man cannot live by oblative, descending love alone. He cannot always give, he must also receive. Anyone who wishes to give love must also receive love as a gift. Certainly, as the Lord tells us, one can become a source from which rivers of living water flow (cf. Jn 7:37-38). Yet to become such a source, one must constantly drink anew from the original source, which is Jesus Christ, from whose pierced heart flows the love of God (cf. Jn 19:34),” (God is Love, n. 7).

The Catechism of the Catholic Church states that,“Without his help man and woman cannot achieve the union of their lives for which God created them ‘in the beginning,' " n. 1608. Our clinical experience with several thousand couples supports this view.  We believe that the neglect of faith by Catholic couples has limited their ability to deal with many marital and family stresses and has contributed in a major way to divorce in Catholic marriages.

Finally, many Christian couples report that praying together on a regular basis and sharing scripture readings has helped strengthen their marriage by protecting them from exeessive fears and worries and by giving them a stronger sense that God was loving and helping them.

Cohabitation

Many young adults believe that it is foolish, even harmful, to marry without first living together.  Alhough they dismiss the sudies which demonstrate that cohabitation significantly increases the chances of divorce, we believe young adults have the right to know the extensive research on the dangers of cohabitation to them and to children.

In some parts of the country up to 75% of engaged Catholic couples cohabitate. Too often this vital issue is not addressed in the marriage prep programs. Unfortunately, most engaged couples fail to understand the harmful psychological damage caused by cohabitation that may seriously limit their possibility for marital happiness and fulfillment.  Over half of all engaged couples have lived together before marriage (National Marriage Project, Rutgers University: 2002). An excellent statement on cohabitation is Cohabitation, Marriage and Child Wellbeing (2008) from the National Marriage Project written by Dr. David Popenoe, professor emeritus of sociology and former social and behavioral sciences dean at Rutgers,

www.virginia.edu/marriageproject/pdfs/NMP2008CohabitationReport.pdf .

The Harmful Effects of Cohabitation on Relationships

• A 1992 study of 3,300 cases found that coupled who cohabited prior to marriage have a risk for divorce that is about 46% higher than for non-cohabiters (Journal of Marriage and the family: February 1992).

• Annual rates of depression among cohabiting couples are more than three times what they are among married couples (Journal of Health and Social Behavior: September 2000).

• Women cohabiting relationships are more likely to suffer physical and sexual abuse than married women (National Marriage Project, Rutgers University: 2002).

• The more months of exposure to cohabitation, the less enthusiastic couples are about marriage and childbearing (Journal of Marriage & Family: 59, 1997).

• Cohabiting couples report lower levels of happiness, lower levels of sexual exclusivity and satisfaction, and poorer relationships with their parents (Journal of Family Issues: January 1995).

• Cohabiters tend to not have an ethic of commitment that is as strong as non-cohabiters.  This could explain the high rates of divorce among couples that cohabited prior to marriage (Journal of Marriage and the Family: August 1997).

• Cohabiting unions tend to weaken the institution of marriage and pose special risks to children (Just Living Together: Implications of Cohabitation on Families, Children and Social Policy.  New Jersey, Lawrence Erlbaum Associates: 2002).

• By 2000, the total number of unmarried couples in America was almost 4.75 million, up from less than half a million in 1960 (U.S. Census Bureau: 2001).

• Cohabitation increases acceptance of divorce among young people (Journal of Marriage & Family: 59,

• Cohabitation can contribute to selfishness and later a lack of openness to children.

• Respondents who cohabited after divorce or cohabited with their partner in a subsequent marriage reported, on average, lower levels of happiness in the remarriage than remarried respondents who did not cohabit at after the initial divorce (Journal of Marriage and Family: Vol. 68, Number 2. May, 2006).

• Compared with peers who had not cohabited prior to marriage, individuals who had cohabited reported higher levels of depression and the level of depression also rose with the length of cohabitation. (Alabama Policy Institute: August 2006).

• The longer couples cohabited before marrying, the more likely they were to resort to heated arguments, hitting, and throwing objects when conflicts arose in their subsequent marriage. A longer length of cohabitation was linked to a greater frequency of heated arguments, even when controlling for spouses' age. (Alabama Policy Institute: August, 2006).

The Harmful Effects of Cohabitation on Children

• In 2000, 41% of all unmarried-couple households included a child under the age of 18.  This is up from only 21% in 1987 (U.S. Census Bureau: March 2000).

• One of the major risks to children in cohabiting households is the high rate of breakup.  This leads to many personal and social difficulties for children as they face the loss of the security found in home life children (Just Living Together: Implications of Cohabitation on Families, Children and Social Policy.  New Jersey, Lawrence Erlbaum Associates: 2002).

• Several studies have shown that children living with their mother and her unmarried partner have more behavior problems and lower academic performance than children in intact families. (Social Forces 73-1: 1994).

• Fully three quarters of children born in cohabiting parents will see their parents split up before they reach age 16.  Only one third of children born to married parents will face a similar fate (National Marriage Project, Rutgers University: 2002).

• Child abuse is a major problem in cohabiting households.  The number of reported abuse has been steadily rising over the past ten years (National Marriage Project, Rutgers University: 2002).

• Evidence demonstrates that the most unsafe family environment for children is one in which the mother lives with a boyfriend. (The Heritage Foundation, Washington, DC: 1997).

• Among children who did not live in a consistently intact family through age 12, those whose mothers cohabited at some time experienced a higher level of family instability, measured by the number of transitions in household structure, than those whose mothers had not cohabited, 2.6 vs. 1.4 for white children, and 2.0 vs. 0.7 for Black children, (Journal of Marriage and Family: Vol. 66, February, 2004).

• Anne-Marie Ambert, the author of a study that reviewed hundreds of research papers that examined the social, emotional and financial effects of cohabitation and marriage on women, men, children and society, concluded that cohabitation is inherently unstable and carries a high cost on children's physical and psychological development.

  Ambert noted, "Commitment and stability are at the core of children's needs; yet, in a great proportion of cohabitations, these two requirements are absent." Vanier Institute of Family entitled "Cohabitation and Marriage: How Are They Related? 2005

• Children born to cohabiting versus married parents have over five times the risk of experiencing their parents' separation, showing an exponential increase in relationship failure for couples currently or ever cohabiting. (Smock P, 2010)

Faith Reflections on Cohabitation

John Paul II wrote the following about cohabitation in The Role of the Christian Family in the Modern World, "The Church, for her part, cannot admit such a kind of union, for further and original reasons which derive from faith.  For, in the first place, the gift of the body in the sexual relationship is a real symbol of the giving of the whole person: such a giving, moreover, in the present state of things cannot take place with full truth without the concourse of the love of charity, given by Christ.  In the second place, marriage between two baptized persons is a real symbol of the union of Christ and the Church, which is not a temporary or “trial union but one which is eternally faithful.  Therefore between two baptized persons there can exist only an indissoluble marriage," Familiaris Consortio, n. 80.

Pope Benedict commented on the importance of strong marriages, "The family is the nucleus in which a person first learns human love and responsibility, generosity and fraternal concern.  Strong families are build on the foundation of strong marriages.  Strong societies are built on the foundation of strong families."  Pope Benedict XVI, September 14, 2007.

Finally, St. Paul wrote, "This is the will of God, your holiness: that you refrain from immorality, that each of you know how to acquire a wife for himself in holiness and honor, not in lustful passion as do the Gentiles who do not know God; not to take advantage of or exploit a brother or a sister in this matter, for the Lord is an avenger in all things, as we told you before and solemnly affirmed," I Thes. 4:3.

Medical Risks with Oral Contraceptives

A new important important pamphlet on the serious health risks associated with oral contraceptives, Problems associated Hormonal Birth Control, which is authored by 4 physicians, is available at www.omsoul.com.  These include abortion since oral contraceptives only prevent the release of the female egg in about 65-75% of cycles. For this reason, pregnancy, and subsequent chemical abortion, is possible on average every third cycle. A nation-wide survey indicated that 54% of the women who had an abortion were using birth control the month before. Also, if the pill is taken before a woman's first pregnancy, there is a 44% increased risk of breast cancer. The risk for cervical and liver cancer is also increased by the use of the pill.  Its use is also associated with increased risk of myocardial infarction and ischemic stroke.

The use of oral contraceptives led to the sexual revolution with subsequent dramatic increases in premarital sex, sexually transmitted infections, cohabitation, out-of wedlock births, abortion, adultery, divorce, abortion, and out-of-wedlock births. single-parent families, poverty and associated social ills. They have contributed in a major way to the serious worldwide drop in population which is referred to as demographic winter, www.demographicwinter.com.

Several other related articles for couples on oral contraceptives are available at www.touchstonemag.com/archives/article.php?id=18-01-038-f and www.catholiceducation.org/articles/sexuality/se0049.html. Also, power point presentations on the medical and sociological dangers of contraception are available at www.cathmedphila.org/resources/evidence_based_ethics.htm. These articles and power point presentations document the serious psychological, medical, sociological damage which has been caused by the use of oral contraceptives over the past 40 years.

Natural Family Planning

Natural family planning is as effective in the planning of children as contraceptives without the serious risks to the health and happiness of marriages, children, families, the culture and entire countries.  When used for just and serious reasons NFP is medically and psychologically healthier method for family planning. 

The major reasons why couples have difficulties with NFP are because of selfishness in one or both spouses associated with a strong sense of entitlement and a lack of self-denial.  Many young spouses come from the new two child family and have been overly indulged most of their lives. They are often not prepared for the degree of self-denial which is necessary with NFP.  Young couples should be warned about this issue and advised to complete the selfishness checklist in the evaluate your marital friendship chapter on this website.  If the score is high, they should review in the selfish spouse chapter the virtues which can diminish selfishness in marriage.  By the way, many popes have written that selfishness is the major enemy of marial love

The other emotional conflict which can interfere with NFP in young couples is that of an excessive need to control in relationships.  Spouses who are controlling are not going to do well with NFP until they address this weakness in their personalilty.  The major causes of this conflict are weaknesses in trusting and selfishness.  The resolution of these conflicts is discussed in the controlling spouse chapter.

Another difficulty which can arise with NFP is seen in men who rely too much upon sexual intimacy to maintain their sense of male confidence.  These man can become stressed when they are unable to be intimate.  However, this temporary pain can lead to greater emotional freedom when they realize that they need to grow in a greater appreciation of their special God-given gifts as men, be grateful for them and not rely as much upon their wives for their sense of male confidence.

We encourage NFP in couples because we believe its use can help couples grow in the virtues which strengthen their personalities and their marriages.  On the other hand the use of oral contraceptives often results in a sense of entitlement in men, in particular, and contributes to marital selfishness and conflict. 

 

John Paul II & Contraception

Engaged Catholic couples often have difficulty understanding the fullness of the Church's teaching on sexual morality, particularly in regard to contraception. This is especially important given the growing body of psychological, medical and sociological evidence which demonstrates the damaging effects of contraception on individuals, marriages and families.  For example, a clear relationship has been established between the contraceptive mentality and the divorce epidemic, described in the Catechism of the Catholic Church as a plague. The writings of John Paul II can assist engaged couples in understanding the Church's wisdom on contraception.

In John Paul II's outstanding apostolic exhortation on married and family love and life, Familiaris Consortio , he wrote, "Couples act as arbiters of the divine plan and they manipulate and degrade human sexuality - and with it themselves and their married partner- by altering its value of 'total' self-giving. The innate language (of the body) that expresses the total reciprocal self-giving of husband and wife is overlaid through contraception by an objectively contradictory language, namely that of not giving oneself totally to one¡¦s spouse.  This leads not only to a positive refusal not to be open to life, but also to a falsification of the inner truth of conjugal love, which is called upon to give itself in personal totality," The Role of the Christian Family in the Modern World, n.32.

He went on to write in Letter to Families (1994), "so-called 'safe sex', which is touted by the 'civilization of technology,' is actually, in the view of the overall requirements of the person, radically not safe, indeed it is extremely dangerous. It endangers both the person and the family. And what is this danger? It is the loss of the truth about one's own self and about the family, together with the risk of a loss of freedom and consequently of a loss of love itself," Letter to Families , n. 41.

Later in 2004 Pope John Paul II stated, “E very educational program, whether Christian or secular, must emphasize that true love is chaste love, and that chastity provides us with a founded hope for overcoming the forces threatening the institution of the marriage and the family and at the same time for freeing humanity from the devastation wrought by scourges such as HIV/AIDS and promiscuity; that is, using people as sexual objects.

John Paul II's writings are a great gift to engaged couples, as well as to Catholic families.  We recommend in particular his Letter to Families and The Role of the Christian Family in the Modern World. Also, the section of the Catechism of the Catholic Church on marriage is helpful in understanding the many blessings and challenges in the sacrament of marriage.

We sincerely hope that this chapter informs, encourages and strengthens engaged Catholic couples as they prepare to receive the great sacrament of marriage and to begin a family.