Institute for Marital Healing

Premarital Evaluation & Self-Knowledge

Copyright © 2005 - 2008 Richard P. Fitzgibbons
"Trust and only trust should lead to love."
St. Therese of Liseux

This chapter is meant to provide an opportunity for engaged couples to grow in self-knowledge by an evaluation of some of the major emotional and personality weaknesses which interfere with both self-giving love and marital happiness and fulfillment. A discussion by Dr. Fitzgibbons of the healing of some of these conflicts from the premarital series, Road to Cana, www.roadtocana.com, seen on EWTN, can be viewed on YouTube. Also, checklists are provided in this chapter to identify many of these issues and other chapters that can be found on this site offer suggestions to help diminish potential difficulties.

At the Institute for Marital Counseling at Comprehensive Counseling Services we have worked with several thousand couples since 1976.  We also work with increasing numbers of engaged couples who want to have healthy marriages and are aware that emotional weaknesses can be uncovered and addressed before marriage.

The book which we most frequently recommend to engaged couples is Men, Women and the Mystery of Love: Practical Insights in John Paul II's Love and Responsibility by Edward Sri. In Love and Responsibility, John Paul II described the importance of couples giving to the romantic aspect of the marriage, to the marital friendship and to betrothed love in marriage which includes more than sexual intimacy.

Marital Happiness

Marital happiness is dependent upon having a good romantic relationship, marital friendship anda healthy intimate relationship. Fortunately, in spite of the high divorce rate, many couples do report marital happiness. An important research study in 2006 of what makes women happy in their marriage revealed the following factors as important:

  • a husband's emotional engagement
  • fairness
  • a breadwinning husband
  • a commitment to marriage
  • staying at home
  • shared religious attendance
  • traditional gender attitudes.

(Wilcox, B. & Nock, S., 2006. What's Love Got to Do With It. Social Forces 83:3, www.happiestwives.org)

In my experience, many husbands would express similar views and might add that they want to be treated with respect and appreciation. When these virtues are present, there are rarely issues of control with either person.

Misconceptions About Marital Love

The recognition of the common misconceptions about marital love can be helpful and these include:

  • if one is not happy, it must be caused by a weakness in marital love
  • it is based completely upon one's feelings
  • it should make one completely happy and should heal any loneliness for parental love experience in childhood, adolescence or the present time
  • it should not require hard work and sacrifice
  • the loss of a romantic feeling is the fault of one's spouse
  • it should be strong even if one does not work on the romantic aspect of the marriage or on the marital friendship
  • when the feeling of love is not longer present, it cannot be restored
  • the trust upon which marital love is based cannot be healed if it is damaged
  • one has the right to intimacy even if the need for romantic love and friendship are ignored
  • is not enriched by having children
  • can be fulfilling even if one is selfish
  • God's love does not enrich and strengthen marital love by providing another source of comfort, strength, hope and happiness.

Below are the major conflicts which interfere with marital self-giving and marital happiness. Please review them and see if you can identify any of these issues in your engaged relationship? 

Conflicts in Marital Self-Giving and Receiving

These include:

  • Lack of self-knowledge
  • Selfishness
  • Mistrust/anxiety and controlling behaviors
  • Excessive anger
  • Sadness/loneliness
  • Confidence conflicts
  • Negative parental modeling
  • Excessive sense of responsibility/worries
  • Disordered self-giving
  • Lack of charity
  • Neglect of spiritual life
  • Character weaknesses including pride, laziness and control tendencies
  • Poor communication patterns
  • Guilt
  • Materialism
  • Failure to correct/be honest about difficulties
  • Failure to understand the sacrament of marriage
  • Use of oral contraceptives.

Do you recognize some of these weaknesses in yourself and in your fiance/fiancee? You should because most of us have one or more weaknesses in self-giving.

The following checklists are meant to give one a qualitative sense of important weaknesses in self-giving in oneself and in one's spouse.  Scoring codes are not yet available for each measure. 

 

Narcissism Checklist

Selfishness has been described as the major enemy of married love.  It is a personality weakness which all of us can struggle with at times. However, excessive selfishness is a major conflict which creates significant pain and suffering in loving relationships, marriages and families. In fact, it is a major cause of marital anger, conflict and divorce in the first five years of marriage

Selfishness turns a person in upon himself/herself, thereby severely damaging the ability to give oneself cheerfully in a loving relationship. It leads one to resent giving and it interferes with the ability to move from the mind set of "me" to the "we" of married life. When this weakness is identified in a serious dating relationship, too often it is not adequately addressed, but it should be.

A study reported in the spring of 2007 revealed the extent of the problem with narcissism in young adults in this culture. Dr. Jeane Twenge of San Diego State University reported in a study of almost 17,000 college students that two thirds of them scored high on a measure of narcissism which was an increase of 30% over the past twenty years. Dr. Twenge commented that narcissistic people are more likely to have romantic relationships that are short lived, are at greater risk for infidelity, lack consistent emotional warmth, exhibit game-playing and dishonesty and manifest overly controlling and violent behaviors.

Please complete the following selfishness checklist by identifying the appropriate number which applies to you and to your fiance/fiancee using this scale:

Copyright © 2005 - 2008 Richard P. Fitzgibbons

0 - Never | 1 - Very Little | 2 - Moderately Often | 3 - Very Often

Insensitive to loved ones
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Does not give adequately to the friendship
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Excessively angry when everything doesn't go as one wants
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Exaggerated sense of self importance
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Unwilling to make a commitment to marriage
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Acts immaturely
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Very sloppy
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Strong sense of entitlement
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Expects automatic compliance with his or her expectations
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Manipulative
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Uses others to obtain one's ends
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Critical of others
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Substance abuse
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Lacks empathy
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Unwilling to identify with the feelings and needs of others
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Acts like a spoiled child
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Always demands to have one's own way
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Preoccupied with materialism
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Doesn't give enough romantically
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Talks about oneself excessively
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Failure to attend to the needs of others
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Is often envious of others
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Believes that others are always jealous of him or her
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Obsessed with physical appearance
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Tends to avoid responsibility in some major area of life
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Lacks empathy for others
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Lazy
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Failure to care about important matters
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Acts helpless to get one's way
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Clings to the sick role
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Blames others for failures or shortcomings
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Doesn't enjoy giving
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Seeks to be center of attention
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Controlling
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Flirts excessively
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Doesn't pay attention to the person he or she is talking to
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Financially irresponsible
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Tries to turn all conversations upon oneself
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Plays excessively to avoid responsibility
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Refuses to clean up after oneself
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Excessive eating
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Always portray self as the victim
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Explosive anger
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Resents doing work in the home
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Obsessed with physical appearance
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Excessive time on the internet
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
When something goes wrong it's always someone else's fault
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Requires excessive admiration
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Exaggerates physical and emotional symptoms as a way to control
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Lack of genuine interest in others
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Uses others sexually
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Excessive time in sports or in working out
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Fantasizes unlimited success
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Difficulty praising others
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Expects self to be perfect
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Tends to seek power or influence over others
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Internet pornography use
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Refuses to clean up after oneself
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Lack of temperance
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Reacts to criticism with strong anger
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Refuses to clean up after oneself
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Financially irresponsible
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Unwilling to express appreciation to others
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Only wants the best things in life
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Grandiose thinking
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Narcissism Total:

A score below 30 indicates a low level selfishness, a score of 30 to 60 a moderate level of selfishness and above 60 a high level of selfishness.

When engaged people identify excessive selfishness in their loved one, we recommend that they ask him/her to work on this weakness by trying to grow in a number of virtues. These virtues include generosity, humility, sacrificial giving and cheerful self-giving.  The initial response to this discussion is often one of defensiveness. Many individuals with this response will try to project their conflict insisting that their loved one has this difficulty. Fortunately, most individuals are willing to look at themselves and to work on growing in virtues to overcome this personality conflict. If you discover this personality conflict in yourself or in you fiance/fiancee, we recommend reading the selfish spouse chapter on this site.

If the person with strong selfishness is unwilling to recognize and to address this serious personality weakness, we recommend that consideration be given to ending the engagement.

Self-Giving Checklist

Marital happiness is dependent upon the ability of spouses to give themselves to each other, to their children, to work, to the care of the home, to relatives and friends and, in Christian marriages, to God. The marital self-giving checklist helps couples evaluate the quality of their friendship, romantic relationship and betrothed love.

Please rate the self-giving in yourself and to your fiance/fiancee and by identifying the appropriate number on the following measure.

Copyright © 2005 - 2008 Richard P. Fitzgibbons

0 - Never | 1 - Very Little | 2 - Moderately Often | 3 - Very Often

Thinking

Commit to be giving and loving to your spouse, children and others
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Reflect on spouse as a God-given gift to one's life
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Commit to be responsible for spouse
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Recognizes the good in one's fiance/fiancee
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Think of spouse as one's best friend
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Commit to receive the love of spouse
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Try to understand spouse's needs
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Think of trusting and forgiving daily
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Consider your spouse as your best friend
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Decide not to be overly independent
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Appreciate and be thankful for God-given gifts
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Avoid placing unreasonable expectations on spouse
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Commit to growth in virtues
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Thinking Total:

Verbally

Communicate in a loving, positive and cheerful manner
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Be willing to state how you feel
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Listen
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Share hopes, joys, dreams fears, worries, etc
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Avoid the expression of excessive anger
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Communicate all important issues in one's life to your spouse
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Be honest with your spouse
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Try to avoid being negative or critical
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Able to discuss the Church's truth about love and human sexuality
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Communicate one's needs
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Encourage your spouse to grow
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Offer correction when necessary in a gentle and loving manner.
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Verbal Total:

Emotionally

Receive spouse's love and gifts
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Be affectionate and loving
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Help your spouse feel loved
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Encourage
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Trust daily
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Forgive daily
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Give yourself emotionally and sexually
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Praise and affirm
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Try not to repeat parental emotional weaknesses
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Humbly accept correction
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Overlook weaknesses and be patient
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Avoid rehashing past hurts
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Open to face emotional weaknesses
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Do not expect your spouse to resolve your family of origin conflicts
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Emotional Total:

Behaviorally

Treat spouse as one's best friend and as a special gift
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Be present to your spouse
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Spend quality time with spouse
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Have balance in life
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Place your spouse ahead of work or other activities
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Care for your spouse, self, children and the home
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Return to the home in a positive, cheerful manner
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Plan date nights with your spouse
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Try not to repeat parents' weaknesses
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Give to your children and other relatives
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Be open cheerfully to your spouse's views
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Work on friendships
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Prudence in spending
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Honesty about finances
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Neither neglect nor spoil your spouse or your children
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Do not isolate yourself with the TV, computer, hobbies, etc.
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Avoid controlling or being controlled by one's spouse
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Keep in contact with family members
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Try to go to bed often at the same time as your spouse
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Give oneself romantically to one's spouse
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Behavioral Total:

Spiritually

Place God first
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Try to be another Christ to your spouse
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Pray for and with spouse
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Go to Church with spouse
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Commit oneself to growth in virtue
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Struggle against selfishness
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Depend on the love of the Lord, Father, Spirit and Our Lady
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Be open to God's plan for children
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Try to form and lead the children spiritually
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Go to the sacrament of reconciliation regularly and even see a spiritual director
Never Very Little Moderately Very Often
Trust the Lord with your spiritual life, marriage, children, finances, worries, etc