You are here: Home > Marital Conflicts > Evaluate Your Marriage

Evaluate Your Marital Friendship/Self-Giving

“Without His help man and woman cannot achieve the union of their lives for which God created them in the beginning, "  Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1608.

The Institute for Marital Healing at Comprehensive Counseling Services has worked with several thousand couples since 1976. Our work has been strongly influenced by the field of positive psychology; that is, growth in character strengths and in virtues, and by the philosophy and theology of John Paul II on marital love and the human person as presented in Love and Responsibility and Theology of the Body.   John Paul II describes the essence of marital love as self-giving and surrender.

Dr. Fitzgibbons discusses aspects of marital self-giving from John Paul II's ( Wojtyla) Love and Responsibility in this video - http://vimeo.com/14241671.

Couples are greatly helped by understanding their vocation to self-giving and receiving through the romantic aspect, friendship and betrothed love in their marriage.  Both marital happiness and personal fulfillment are dependent to a great extent upon a spouse developing a healthy adult personality open to give oneself completely and to receive in kind. 

Each of us bring into our marriages special gifts, however, we also have a predominant emotional or character weakness(es). which can interfere with marital self-giving.  The good news is that if spouses work diligently on addressing their personality and emotional weakness that they can be overcome, particularly if there is a spiritual component to the healing process.   Then, spouses can reach a maturity in self-giving and in the freedom to live, as John Paul II has written, the gifts of love and forgiveness to the full.  Then their marriages and their families can become in John Paul II"s words. "the bulwark of the civilization of love and the hope for the future of humanity."

Below is a list of the major character and emotional weaknesses which can regularly interfere with the marital friendship, as well as with responsible parenting.

Conflicts in the Marital Friendship and in Self-Giving

• Lack of self-knowledge
• Selfishness
• Controlling behaviors
• Excessive anger
• Sadness/loneliness
• Confidence conflicts
• Negative parental modeling
• Anxiety and mistrust
• Excessive sense of responsibility/worries
• Poor communication
• Disordered self-giving
• Lack of charity
• Character weaknesses
• Guilt
• Failure to correct
• Oral contraceptives
• Failure to understand the sacrament of marriage
• Neglect of spiritual life.

The following checklists offer Catholic couples an opportunity to uncover and identify the major conflicts which limit marital happiness. A scoring code is available for the narcissism checklist, the mistrust checklist and the anger inventory.  Other chapters on this site will discuss how these common sources of marital stress can be reduced or hopefully resolved.

---

The Marital Friendship and the Self-Giving Checklist

The marital friendship and marital happiness are dependent upon the ability of spouses to give themselves to each other, to their children, to work, to the care of the home, to relatives and friends and, in Christian marriages, to God. The marital self-giving checklist helps couples evaluate the quality of their marital friendship, romantic relationship and betrothed love.

Please rate the self-giving in yourself first and then in your spouse by identifying the appropriate number on the following measure.

0 - Never | 1 - Very Little | 2 - Moderately Often | 3 - Very Often

Thinking

Commit to be giving and loving to your spouse, children and others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Reflect on spouse as a God-given gift to one's life

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Commit to be responsible for spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Recognize one's life is profoundly enriched by one's spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Recognizes the good in one's spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Commit to receive the love of spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Try to understand spouse's needs

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Think of trusting and forgiving daily

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Consider your spouse as your best friend

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Decide not to be overly independent

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Appreciate and be thankful for God-given gifts

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Avoid placing unreasonable expectations on spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Commit to growth in virtues

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Thinking Total:

Verbally

Communicate in a loving, positive and cheerful manner

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Be willing to state how you feel

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Listen

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Share hopes, joys, dreams fears, worries, etc

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Avoid the expression of excessive anger

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Communicate all important issues in one's life to your spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Be honest with your spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Try to avoid being negative or critical

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Able to discuss the Church's truth about love and human sexuality

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Communicate one's needs

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Encourage your spouse to grow

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Offer correction when necessary in a gentle and loving manner.

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Verbal Total:

Emotionally

Receive spouse's love and gifts

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Be affectionate and loving

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Help your spouse feel loved

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Encourage

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Trust daily

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Forgive daily

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Give yourself emotionally and sexually

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Praise and affirm

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Try not to repeat parental emotional weaknesses

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Humbly accept correction

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Overlook weaknesses and be patient

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Avoid rehashing past hurts

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Open to face emotional weaknesses

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do not expect your spouse to resolve your family of origin conflicts

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Emotional Total:

Behaviorally

Treat spouse as one's best friend and as a special gift

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Be present to your spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Spend quality time with spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Have balance in life

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Place your spouse ahead of work or other activities

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Care for your spouse, self, children and the home

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Return to the home in a positive, cheerful manner

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Plan date nights with your spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Give yourself sexually to your spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Try not to repeat parents' weaknesses

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Give to your children and other relatives

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Be open cheerfully to your spouse's views

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Work on friendships

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Prudence in spending

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Honesty about finances

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Neither neglect nor spoil your spouse or your children

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do not isolate yourself with the TV, computer, hobbies, etc.

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Avoid controlling or being controlled by one's spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Keep in contact with family members

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Try to go to bed often at the same time as your spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Give oneself romantically and sexually to one's spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Behavioral Total:

Spiritually

Place God first

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Try to be another Christ to your spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Pray for and with spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Go to Church with spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Commit oneself to growth in virtue

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Struggle against selfishness

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Depend on the love of the Lord, Father, Spirit and Our Lady

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Be open to God's plan for children

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Try to form and lead the children spiritually

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Go to the sacrament of reconciliation regularly and even see a spiritual director

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Trust the Lord with your spiritual life, marriage, children, finances, worries, etc

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Spiritual Total:

Now, how do you think you and your spouse do in regard to giving yourselves to the marital friendship?

Numerous marital conflicts develop because of a failure to place a priority on the marital friendship and self-giving in marriages. The chapter on the emotionally distant spouse may now be helpful in understanding how some of the weaknesses in self-giving in marriage can be addressed.

Again, this checklist is meant to give you a qualitative sense of difficulties in self-giving in your marriage.  Therefore, no scoring guide is provided.

---

Narcissism Checklist

Selfishness is one of the major enemies of married love. This common personality weakness creates significant pain and suffering in marriages and families. It is a major cause of marital anger, conflict and divorce. It turns a person in upon himself/herself, thereby severely damaging the ability to give oneself cheerfully in marriage. Also, it interferes with the development of true betrothed marital love because the person has great difficulty in moving from “me to we” and in surrendering oneself to one’s spouse. Unless it is uncovered and resolved by growth in virtues, selfishness will lead spouses to treat loved ones as objects and not as gifted persons.

The recognition of this weakness is a struggle for most people. Fortunately, with hard work and growth in virtues and with a strong spiritual life, selfishness can be resolved.

Please complete the following selfishness checklist by identifying the appropriate number which applies to your spouse and to you using this scale:

0 - Never | 1 - Very Little | 2 - Moderately Often | 3 - Very Often

Grandiose thinking

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Insensitive to loved ones

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Excessively angry when everything doesn't go as one wants

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Exaggerated sense of self importance

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Very sloppy

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Strong sense of entitlement

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Expects automatic compliance with his or her expectations

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Manipulative

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Uses others to obtain one's ends

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Treats spouse as a sexual object

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Critical of others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Lacks empathy

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Unwilling to identify with the feelings and needs of others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Acts like a spoiled child

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Always demands to have one's own way

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Talks about oneself excessively

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Failure to attend to the needs of others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Is often envious of others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Believes that others are always jealous of him or her

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Constantly looking at one's reflection

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Tends to avoid responsibility in some major area of life

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Lacks empathy for others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Lazy

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Failure to care about important matters

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Acts helpless to get one's way

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Clings to the sick role

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Refuses to give oneself romantically or sexually

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Blames others for failures or shortcomings

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Doesn't enjoy giving

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Seeks to be center of attention

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Financially not supportive

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Tries to turn all conversations upon oneself

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Substance abuse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Plays excessively to avoid responsibility

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Excessive eating

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Always portray self as the victim

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Explosive anger

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Resents doing work in the home

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Obsessed with physical appearance

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

When something goes wrong it's always someone else's fault

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Requires excessive admiration

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Exaggerates physical and emotional symptoms as a way to control

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Lack of genuine interest in others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Uses others sexually

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Very controlling

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Doesn't pay attention to the person he or she is talking to

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Expects self to be perfect

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Tends to seek power or influence over others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Lack of temperance

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Reacts to criticism with strong anger

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Unwilling to cook or care for the home

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Goes on own vacations

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Financially irresponsible

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Unwilling to express appreciation to others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Ruin birthdays or special family events

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Limited openness to children

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Insists on using artificial contraceptives

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Not sensitive to a child's desire for a brother or a sister

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Chooses to divorce rather than to work on marital difficulties

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Narcissism Total:

A score below 30 indicates a low level selfishness; a score of 30 to 60, a moderate level of selfishness and above 60 a high level of selfishness.

---

Mistrust Checklist

The ability to trust and to feel safe is the foundation for self-giving love and for receiving love. If we do not feel safe and relaxed, we can withhold love, be unable to receive love, act angry to distance loved ones or try to control those we love. Uncovering and healing trust wounds, as well as protecting the ability to trust, are essential to romantic love, the marital friendship and to betrothed love.

Significant numbers of people enter marriage with deep unconscious trust weaknesses because of trauma from parental conflicts, divorce, sibling or peer rejection and narcissistic individuals. Often this trust wound is completely unconscious, but emerges under times of stress and is misdirected at one’s spouse.

Please identify the symptoms and the origins of mistrust in you and in your spouse on the following mistrust checklist.

                                                                                              

Thinking

• Catastrophic thinking (something bad is going to happen)
• Rigid thinking-a lack of openness
• Excessive criticism of others (as a unconscious way to distance people)
• Negative thinking
• Suspiciousness
• Hypochondriacal thinking (fear of serious illness)
• Paranoid thinking
• Excessive fantasy life
• Obsessional thoughts of controlling others
• View reasonable expectations of spouse as control pressure
• Excessive worrying
• Difficulty concentrating

Behaviors

• Numerous controlling behaviors
• Doesn’t listen to spouse
• Inability to show affection (fearful of being vulnerable)
• Difficulty praising others (fearful of allowing anyone to be close)
• Difficulty initiating lovemaking in marriage
• Doesn’t support spouse with children
• Inability to include others in making important decisions
• Overly controlling with money
• Flight from committed relationships by excessive work, hobbies, or other interests - including too many religious activities outside of the home
• Inability to trust spouse with care of the children
• Few close friends
• Compulsive eating
• Excessive drinking or drug usage
• Addiction to pornography (escape to fantasy world)
• Difficulty pursuing intimate relationships
• Fear of flying, elevators or bridges
• Tendency to isolate oneself
• Difficulty in receiving help or advice from others
• Refusal to allow spouse to discipline children
• A need to have things his/her own way
• Withdrawal from others in front of TV, books, computer, etc.
• Overly strong dealing with others (caused by fear of being hurt)
• Poor team player
• Compulsive masturbation
• Attempt to isolate family from relatives
• Excessive financial fears
• Restlessness and hyperactivity (an absence of feeling safe)
• Aggressive behaviors
• Criticizes spouse in front of children
• Tries to cut spouse off from friends
• Lack of responsibility for spouse

Emotions

• Regularly irritable or hostile (anger keeps others at distance)
• Overly anxious
• Panic attacks
• Overreaction emotionally to minor life events
• Rarely relaxed or peaceful
• Bad temper
• Overly upset if things don’t go as planned
• Very lonely (fearful of being vulnerable and of receiving love)
• Fear of the future
• Emotional rigidity
• Lack of gentleness
• Easily fatigued
• Sleep disturbance
• Social anxiety

Physical Health

• Irritable bowel syndrome
• Muscle spasms in different parts of the body
• Colitis
• Coronary artery disease
• Vulnerability to all major diseases if mistrust persists for years
• Severe headaches
• Muscle tension
• Light headedness
• Dizziness
• Nausea
• Rapid heart beat

Spiritual Life

• Weak spiritual life
• Difficulty in listening
• Limited ability to pray
• Excessive restlessness in meditation
• Difficulty in meditating
• Withdrawal into religion (excess religiosity)
• Limited ability to receive God’s love

A score below 10 indicates mild mistrust, a score between 10 and 20 shows moderate mistrust and above 20, severe mistrust.

Now please rate the origins of trust weaknesses in you and in your fiance/fiancee below.

Origins of Mistrust at Different Life Stages

Childhood

• Emotionally distant, unaffectionate parents
• Excessive time in day care
• Modeling after fearful, mistrustful or overly controlling parent
• Serious illness in a parent, sibling, or oneself
• Parental separation or divorce
• Alcoholic or narcissistic parent
• Loss of a parent, brother, sister, or close friend
• Legacy of mistrust and fear in the family
• Weak confidence
• Rejection by peers
• Victimization by the excessive anger of others
• Poverty

Adolescence

• Same causes as in childhood
• Poor body image
• Difficulty in playing sports
• Parental separation or divorce
• Post abortion trauma
• Treatment as a sexual object

Adult Life

• Same as in childhood and adolescence
• Repetition of the weakness of a mistrustful parent
• Lack of secure feeling with one's spouse
• Insensitive treatment by a spouse or children
• Controlling, angry or selfish behaviors in one's spouse
• Weak confidence
• Betrayal by loved ones
• Divorce
• Unjust treatment by bosses or co-workers
• Financial pressures
• Treatment as a sexual object
• Loss of job
• Loss of health
• Rejection by significant others

The chapter on the controlling spouse may be beneficial in helping spouses understand how they can reduce their conflicts by strengthening their trust. It can also assist spouses in their dealing with controlling tendencies in others. Presently, marital problems arising from mistrust and control conflicts result in this chapter being the most frequently visited one on this website.

---

Anger Checklist

Excessive anger is one the most common causes of marital conflict. Fortunately, when this unique and powerful emotion is uncovered and addressed, its negative influence on marital love can be reduced significantly and often resolved. When anger is removed from the heart, a spouse regularly rediscovers love for the other spouse.

Please rate yourself and your spouse on the anger mistrust checklist as follows –

Active Marital Anger

Mild

• Irritable
• Excessive quarreling or arguing
• Impatient
• Frequently frustrated
• Frequently annoyed

Moderate

• Lies
• Overly aggressive & antagonistic
• Sarcasm
• Excessively competitive
• Bullying of others
• Jealous
• Chronic violation of rules at work
• Callous
• Hostile
• Excessive swearing
• Overly critical
• Rude
• Tries to ruin someone’s reputation
• Quits jobs regularly
• Negative

Severe

• Verbally abusive
• Stealing and forgery
• Arrest record
• Violent acts against people, property, or oneself
• Threats of violence
• Repeated drunkenness
• Excessive recklessness
• Fire setting
• Disregard for other’s safety

Passive-Aggressive Marital Anger

Mild

• Always late/leaves early
• Deliberately sloppy
• Uncooperative attitude
• Acts forgetful
• Procrastinates - deliberately puts things off
• Twists the truth
• Refuses to do what is reasonably expected
• Door banging
• Withdrawn
• Deliberately slow
• Pretends not to hear or see
• Walks out on people
• Refuses to listen
• Manipulative
• Rehashes the past

Moderate

• Refuses to clean the home or oneself
• Acts sick or helpless
• Overly stubborn
• Withholds support
• Works markedly below one's ability
• Impulsive - failure to plan ahead
• Deliberately avoid or ignore someone
• Refuses to function as a responsible parent or spouse
• Distances others
• Always negative
• Refuses to praise or compliment
• Deliberately makes mistakes
• Silent treatment
• Won’t communicate
• Absenteeism in work
• Refuses to be responsible
• Refuses to work regularly
• Enjoys seeing people become upset
• Divisive

Severe

• Refuses to eat
• Doesn’t receive love
• Deliberately fails at work
• Refuses to take care of a serious health problem
• Withhold love from a spouse
• Failure to attend to the needs of the spouse or children
• Avoids intimacy
• Undermine childrens’ trust/respect for spouse or other important relatives/friends
• Deliberately tries to be sick
• Always in victim role
• Failure to pay bills
• Con-artist
• False accusations
• Neglect of the home

The chapter on marital anger should be helpful in managing and in diminishing anger in your marriage and family.

Mid-Survey Coffee Break

We want to suggest that you might consider now taking a break in this survey for a few hours or a few days.

Evaluate your anger - Fitzgibbons Anger Inventory

Finally, consider rating your anger on another measure, the Fitzgibbons Anger Inventory, which we have been using for almost 20 years. This inventory is the only measure in this chapter which has been demonstrated in a research study to be a quantitatively valid measure. Please answer by identifying the appropriate number using this scale on the following anger checklist:

0 - Never | 1 - Very Little | 2 - Moderately Often | 3 - Very Often

Are you irritable at work, school, or home?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you lose your temper when driving or riding in a car?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

When asked to do something at home, work, or school do you tend to procrastinate?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

When angry do you give others the silent treatment?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you have difficulty allowing people to become close to you?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Are you tense or critical during meals?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Are you frequently in a hurry or impatient?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you lose your temper?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you feel you could hurt someone if you expressed your anger?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

When angry do you act as if you have forgotten what you have been asked to do?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Does the expression of anger make you feel strong or give you pleasure?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you have difficulty giving praise or expressing thanks to others?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you have thoughts of punishing or hurting others by withholding your love?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Are you often late for work, school, appointments, engagements, etc.?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you have angry outbursts or tantrums?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

When angry do you deliberately make mistakes or perform tasks slowly?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you ever have thoughts of hurting yourself?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

During the evening are you angry or critical?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you think of punishing those who have disappointed you by hurting yourself; for example, through illness, alcohol, drug usage, dangerous behavior, or through failure in important areas of your life?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Are you overly polite and apologetic when you are angry or provoked?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you find yourself being very competitive?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you isolate yourself at home, work, or school?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you experience thoughts or feelings of prejudice against others?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you initiate quarreling or are you often argumentative?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Is it difficult for you to give up your desire to seek revenge against those who have hurt you or someone you love?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you drink excessively?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you act in an aggressive manner with others?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Are you manipulative?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you have difficulty trusting people?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you tend to over react to minor events?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you attract others and then push them away when you know they are attracted to you?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you enjoy violent films or books?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you feel angry about your responsibilities?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Are you critical of those with whom you live in regards to their abilities or physical appearance?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you fantasize expressing anger physically against those who have hurt you or someone you love?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you find yourself trying to control others?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Would you rather be with animals than with people?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Are you disappointed with yourself?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you have difficulty accepting your anger when you've been disappointed or hurt?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you misdirect your anger?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you provoke others?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you become angry when you reflect on the events of the day?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do you have difficulty allowing people to touch you?

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Overall Total:

Trust Score:

Passive-aggressive Score:

Violent Potential Score:

Interpreting the scores:

1. Overall Total less than 45 - Mild Anger
2. 45 to 65 - Moderate Anger
3. Over 65 - High Anger
4. Over 6 on the Trust score - Significant
5. Over 9 on the Passive-aggressive score - Significant
6. Over 7 on the Violent potential score - Significant

---

Parental Legacies

One of the most common conflicts in marriages, which emerges unconsciously, is that of repeating a major emotional, behavioral, relational or spiritual weakness of a parent. This difficulty can arise even if the spouse had decided previously not to repeat this specific parental weakness in their marriage and family life. For example, someone might have thought, “ I will not overreact in anger or be emotionally distant as my father was or I will not repeat my mother’s tendency to control or not trust my spouse,” only to discover the negative parental pattern being repeated.

Although the parental modeling process from early childhood has a strong influence on later relationships, parental weaknesses can be identified and resolved. At the same time, parental gifts and abilities can be identified and embraced.

Emotional Traits

• Emotionally giving and affectionate
• Able to receive love and affection
• Hopeful
• Cheerful
• Forgiving/controlled temper
• Trusting
• Confident in God-given gifts
• Encouraged others
• Praised and complimented
• Was able to take correction
• Not obsessed with appearance
• Able to receive affection
• Avoided rehashing past hurts
• Open to face emotional weaknesses
• Did not place unreasonable expectations upon your spouse or children

Behavioral Traits

• Good communicator
• Hardworking
• Spent quality time with spouse and children
• Sought balance in life
• Placed spouse and children ahead of work or other activities
• Cared for your spouse, children and the home
• Gave to your children and other relatives
• Worked on friendships
• Prudence in spending/good financial manager
• Temperate with food, drink, exercise, work
• Honesty about finances
• Neither neglected nor spoiled spouse or children
• Self control with TV, computer, hobbies, etc.
• Avoided controlling or being controlled by spouse
• Kept in contact with family members
• Invited family and friends into the home
• Dependent upon spouse and others in an appropriate manner
• Good listener

Character

• Tried to grow in virtues
• Generous/not selfish
• Kind
• Compassionate
• Patient
• Humble
• Strong and courageous
• Prudent
• Cheerful
• Concern for justice and the poor
• Temperate
• Modest
• Thankful
• Sincere/truthful
• Solidarity with others
• Detached
• Gentle

Intellectual Life

• Enjoyed reading
• Encouraged intellectual development in spouse and children

Spiritual Life

• Strong faith
• Love
• Hope
• Prayerful
• Placed God first
• Dependent on God
• Tried to be another Christ to spouse and children
• Went to Church with spouse
• Shared faith with others
• Prayed with spouse
• Tried to seed God’s will
• Depended on the love of God
• Opened to God’s plan for number of children
• Tried to form and lead the children spiritually
• Went to the sacrament of reconciliation regularly
• Trusted the Lord with all concerns: marriage, children, finances, work, etc.
• Supported and communicate the teaching of the Church on sexual morality
• Not obsessed with material possessions

What are the most important gifts/strengths which you have acquired from your parents?

Which parent have you modeled after the most?

Weaknesses in Parents

Emotional Traits

• Sad
• Unable to communicate love or praise
• Irritable, bad temper
• Insecure
• Anxious
• Controlling/mistrustful
• Emotionally distant
• Difficulty receiving love
• Negative
• Critical, unable to praise
• Unable to accept correction
• Obsessed with appearance
• Unwilling to address emotional weaknesses
• Unreasonable expectations placed upon spouse and others
• Self-centered
• Rebellious
• Rude

Behavioral Traits

• Didn’t spend quality time with spouse and children
• Unbalanced life
• Resentful of giving in the home or at work
• Outside interest more important than spouse and children
• Failure to care properly about needs of spouse, children and the home
• Unwilling to set aside time for spouse and children
• Lacked enjoyment in giving to children, relatives or friends
• Unwilling to work on friendships
• Poor judgment in spending / not good with finances
• Lack of temperance with food, drink, exercise, work
• Not honest about finances
• Tendency to spoil spouse and children
• Isolation with the TV, computer, books, hobbies, etc.
• Controlling
• Allowed oneself to be controlled by spouse
• Lack of contact with family members
• Acted independently of spouse
• Lazy

Character

• Rude/harsh
• Selfish
• Lack of compassion or empathy
• Tendency to gossip
• Impatient
• Unkind
• Proud
• Weak
• Imprudent, lack of discretion
• Negative
• Lack of concern for justice and the poor
• Intemperate
• Lack of modesty
• Ungrateful
• Insincere/untruthful
• Lack commitment to others
• Obsessed with possession

Intellectual Life

• Avoided reading
• Discouraged intellectual development of spouse

Spiritual Life

• Weak faith
• Not hopeful/presumptuous
• Limited charity
• Not prayerful
• Placed self first
• Act as though there were no need for God
• Embarrassed by faith
• Did not go to Church with spouse or children
• Not concerned about God’s will
• Not open to God’s plan for number of children
• Did not try to form and lead the children spiritually
• Did not go to the sacraments regularly
• Did not trust the Lord with marriage, children, finances, worries, work, etc.
• Did not communicate the teaching of the Church on sexual morality

What are the major weaknesses which you have acquired from your modeling after your parents?

What are the major weaknesses which you think your spouse may have acquired from your modeling after his/her parents?

The most common negative parental legacy we see in husbands is a tendency to be emotionally distant and in wives to act in a controlling manner.  You might want to move ahead to the parental legacies chapter to learn how one can be loyal to parental gifts and work to resolve parental weaknesses one is repeating in married life.

Confidence Checklist

Confidence in one’s God-given gifts and abilities and in one’s vocation strengthens the ability to receive and to give love and to cope with many stresses and problems.

Please rate yourself and your spouse on the following confidence checklist.

0 - Never | 1 - Very Little | 2 - Moderately Often | 3 - Very Often

Verbally

Rarely communicates love

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Unable to discuss marital conflicts

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Overly critical

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Difficulty in praising others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Overly quiet

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Unable to correct

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Ridicules spouse in front of others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Brags about accomplishments

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Fails to help spouse feel special

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Self-critical

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Pressured, rapid speech

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Puts others down to build self up

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Tries to provoke/challenge others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Exaggerates accomplishments

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Verbal Total:

Behaviorally

Distances spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Overly driven to prove oneself

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Hyperactive

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Preoccupied with appearance

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Lack of sexual intimacy

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Difficult to please

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Workaholic

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Acts in an arrogant manner

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Does not treat spouse as one's best friend

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Treats spouse like a sexual object, not a person

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Highly competitive

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Doesn't listen to others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Excessive need for attention

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Substance abuse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Compulsive sexual behaviors

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Unable to accept promotion

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Isolates oneself

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Compulsive use of pornography

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Needs to be the center of attention

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Not a good team player

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Treats others as though they were inferior

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Lack of close friends

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Looks excessively for affirmation from others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Tries to control others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Divisive

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Excessive need to be with parents

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Unable to help others feel good about themselves

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Doesn't work on friendships

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Compulsive masturbation

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Behavioral Total:

Thinking

Chronic thoughts of inadequacy

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Fantasies of superiority

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Obsessed with weaknesses

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Perfectionistic

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Critical thinking about others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Preoccupied with insecurities about work, marriage or child rearing

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Negative body image

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Places parent(s) ahead of spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Belief that one has little to offer others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Sense of being unworthy of being loved

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Obsessional thinking about mistakes

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Thinking Total:

Emotionally

Difficulty in showing love

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Jealousy

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Excessive anxiety

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Depression/sadness

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Difficulty in receiving love

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Lack of attention to romantic aspect of the marriage

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Strong anger

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Fear of correcting others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Emotionally distant

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Social anxiety

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

A sense of being unworthy of being loved

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Mood swings

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Self-hatred

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Restlessness

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Loneliness

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Can't accept praise

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Panic attacks

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Conflicts with shame

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Inappropriate guilt

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Lack of cheerfulness

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Excessive need for emotional support

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Performance anxiety

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Fear of communicating the Church's teaching on sexual morality and faith

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Emotional Total:

---

Origins of Weak Confidence

Please complete the following checklist to identify the origins of weak confidence:

Childhood and Adolescence

• Weaknesses in parent or lack of affirmation or affection
• Insecure parent(s)
• Parental divorce or separation
• Parental anger
• Excessive quarreling between parents
• ADHD
• Poor body image
• Sibling rejection
• Modeling after an insecure parent
• Poor academic performance
• Sense of disappointing parent(s)
• Poor athletic abilities secondary to lack of eye-hand coordination which is necessary for baseball, basketball, football, soccer
• Few friendships
• Lack of faith
• Anger in teachers, culture, media against the teachings of the Church
• Excessive anxiety
• Sexual abuse victimization

Adulthood

• Marital conflicts with lack of affection, praise, friendship, romance
• Lack of balance in married life
• Career stress
• Financial worries
• Rejection in dating relationships
• Poor body image
• Family rejection
• Lack of faith
• Lack of trust
• Anger against Judeo-Christian morality in the culture, workplace, etc.
• Media bias against the Church
• Unemployment
• Poor body image
• Recipient of excessive anger/criticism at work
• Negative cultural pressures
• Divorce
• Abortion
• Contraceptive use

Marital Communication

A vital aspect of martial self-giving is that of communication with a spouse. Good marital communication is essential to maintaining and strengthening the marital friendship and love and to uncovering and reducing various types of stress. Dr. John Gottman, who is a renowned student of marital communication, has recommended that in order to have a healthy marriage there should be five positive comments for each negative comment.

Gary Chapman's, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to your Mate (1992) , is an outstanding book for engaged couples which can help them to understand the primary love language of each person. These love languages are:

- words of affirmation
- physical touch
- quality time
- receiving gifts
- acts of service.

The other very important language of love is that of sacrificial giving and loving. Engaged couples benefit from recognizing that they will be called in the vocation of marriage to deny themselves and to give themselves in a sacrificial manner and that they do not have to fear such giving, especially to children. The major obstacle to such Christ-like giving in marriage is selfishness, described by many as the major "enemy" of marital love.

The most common communication weakness we address in men is that of modeling after a father who did not communicate in a generous, cheerful and positive manner with his wife. The most common weakness we identify in women is that of communicating in a controlling manner which is experienced as being disrespectful.  This controlling tendency arises most often from modeling after a controlling parent or from having difficulty in trusting the father in childhood and adolescence. The good news is that these acquired weaknesses can be overcome and the process is described in the parental legacies chapter.

As Pope Benedict has written in the Colloboration between Men and Women in the Church and in the World, that men have unique gifts which enable them to act calmly on behalf of the lives of loved ones. The special relational gifts and emotinal sensitivity to others in women can assist men in growing in their communication skills .

Please rate yourself and your spouse by choosing the appropriate option on the marital communication scale below.

Positive Style			Negative Style
Giving	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)	vs.	Withdrawn	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)
Active listening	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)	vs.	Indifferent or constant talking	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)
Appreciative	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)	vs.	Critical	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)
Trusting	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)	vs.	Anxious, mistrustful	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)
Accepting	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)	vs.	Controlling, demanding	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)
Confident	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)	vs.	Insecure, sarcastic	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)
Cheerful	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)	vs.	Sad	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)
Gentle	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)	vs.	Irritable	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)
Relaxed	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)	vs.	Tense	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)
Respectful	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)	vs.	Demeaning/proud	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)
Charitable	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)	vs.	Selfish	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)
Complimentary	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)	vs.	Difficulty in praising/undermining	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)
Honest	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)	vs.	Unable to discuss conflicts or to correct	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)
Positive	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)	vs.	Negative, gossipy	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)
Mature	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)	vs.	Dependent, childish	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)
Encouraging	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)	vs.	Unsupportive	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)
Forgiving	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)	vs.	Passive-aggressive (silent treatment, cold, etc.), aggressive	Never (0) Very Little (1) Moderately Often (2) Very Often (3)
Positive Total:			Negative Total:

Do you recognize how positive and loving communication strengthens and builds your spouse's confidence and helps with his/her stresses?

Sections in the chapters on parental legacies, marital anger and the emotionally distant spouse can be particularly beneficial in improving the self-giving which is essential for marital communication.

---

The Role of Virtues in Strengthening Marital Friendship

Growth in virtues strengthens the character or personality and facilitates self-giving and receiving in the marital friendship. Pope John Paul II wrote in his first encyclical, The Redeemer of Man, "To be sincere gift of themselves human persons must possess a full freedom which comes only from mastery of oneself." The virtues enable us to gain greater mastery over ourselves.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church, n. 1803, states, "A virtue is a habitual and firm disposition to do the good. It allows the person not only to perform good acts, but to give the best of himself. The virtuous person tends toward the good with all his sensory and spiritual powers; he pursues the good and chooses it in a concrete way. The goal of the virtuous life is to become like God." A daily commitment to lead a virtuous life enhances one's ability to be positive and hopeful and to see the goodness in one's spouse.

Please rate the frequency with which you see the following virtues in your spouse and in yourself using the scale below:

0 - Never | 1 - Very Little | 2 - Moderately Often | 3 - Very Often

Love

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Hope

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Faith, trust

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Generosity

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Fortitude/Courage

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Temperance

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Justice

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Compassion

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Self-denial, Self-control

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Loyalty

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Cheerfulness

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Forgiveness

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Confidence

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Temperance

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Wisdom

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Prudence

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Responsibility

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Humility

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Gentleness/Kindness

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Chastity/Modesty

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Total:

---

I hope you don't feel discouraged. The conflicts which interfere with marital friendships and with self-giving can be resolved.   If you have identified weaknesses in yourself, please consider reading pertinent the chapters in this site.  If you would like your spouse to grow in certain areas, you should have the freedom and courage to ask him/her to address your concerns. Too often spouses cannot make such requests because of their insecurities, fears and failure to trust the Lord fully with their marriages.  Some couples preceed such a discussion by praying for a spouse's weakness and by bringing to mind St. Thomas Acquinas' wisdom that love is wishing the best for the other.