Evaluate Your Marriage
"Perfection demands maturity in self-giving to which human freedom is called." John Paul II
“Only if the truth about freedom and the communion of persons in marriage and in the family can regain its
splendor, will the building of the civilization of love truly begin.”
John Paul II, Letter to Families, 1994.
The Institute for Marital Counseling at Comprehensive Counseling Services has worked with several thousand couples since 1976. Our work has been strongly influenced by the field of positive psychology; that is, growth in character strengths and in virtues, and by the philosophy and theology of John Paul II on marital love and the human person as presented in Love and Responsibility and Theology of the Body. John Paul II describes the essence of marital love as self-giving and surrender.
Couples are greatly helped by understanding their vocation to self-giving and receiving through the romantic aspect, friendship and betrothed love in their marriage. However, numerous emotional conflicts and character weaknesses can interfere with marital love and fulfillment. In this chapter major marital conflicts are identified and checklists are provided to evaluate qualitatively the weaknesses in each spouse. Then, referrals are made to completed chapters on the website which describe how these conflicts can be reduced.
In our clinical experience most marital conflicts can be identified and significantly decreased or resolved. Married couples can then have the freedom to live, as John Paul II has written, the gifts of love and forgiveness to the full and become in his words. "the bulwark of the civilization of love and the hope for the future of humanity."
Both marital happiness and personal fulfillment are dependent to a great extent upon a spouse developing a healthy adult personality open to the ability to give oneself to a spouse and to receive in kind. In addition, a healthy personality is acquired by a daily commitment to growth in virtues. In addition, a deeper understanding of the sacrament of marriage can be acquired from studying the Catechism of the Catholic Church and the writing of John Paul II.
The following checklists offer Catholic couples an opportunity to uncover and identify the major conflicts which limit marital happiness. These checklists are meant to give one a qualitative sense of important weaknesses in self-giving in oneself and in one's spouse which can then be discussed and addressed. Subsequently, no scoring code is available except for the narcissism checklist, the mistrust checklist and the anger inventory.
Conflicts in Marital Self-Giving and Receiving
- Lack of self-knowledge
- Selfishness
- Mistrust/anxiety and controlling behaviors
- Excessive anger
- Sadness/loneliness
- Confidence conflicts
- Negative parental modeling
- Excessive sense of responsibility/worries
- Disordered self-giving
- Lack of charity
- Materialism
- Character weaknesses
- Guilt
- Failure to correct
- Oral contraceptives
- Failure to understand the sacrament of Marriage
- Neglect of spiritual life.
After uncovering conflicts you can rate yourself and your spouse on the following checklists which more specifically identify these weaknesses and their origins. Other chapters on this site will discuss how these common sources of marital stress can be reduced or hopefully resolved.
Marital Self-Giving Checklist
Marital happiness is dependent upon the ability of spouses to give themselves to each other, to their children, to work, to the care of the home, to relatives and friends and, in Christian marriages, to God. The marital elf-giving checklist helps couples evaluate the quality of their marital friendship, romantic relationship and betrothed love.
Please rate the self-giving in yourself and in your spouse by identifying the appropriate number on the following measure.
0 - Never | 1 - Very Little | 2 - Moderately Often | 3 - Very Often
John Paul II in Love and Responsibility described giving to the romantic aspect of marriage, marital friendship and betrothed love. You can read a summary of his wisdom on marriage in our chapter on John Paul II, Faith and Marriage. Now, after completing the marital self-giving checklist how do you think you and your spouse do in regard to giving yourselves to
- the romantic aspect of your marriage
- the marital friendship
- betrothed love
Numerous marital conflicts develop because of a failure to place a priority on such self-giving in marriages. The chapter on the emotionally distant spouse may now be helpful in understanding how some of the weaknesses in self-giving in marriage can be addressed.
Again, this checklist is meant to give you a qualitative sense of difficulties in self-giving in your marriage. Therefore, no scoring guide is provided.
Narcissism Checklist
Selfishness is one of the major enemies of married love. This common personality weakness creates significant pain and suffering in marriages and families. It is a major cause of marital anger, conflict and divorce. It turns a person in upon himself/herself, thereby severely damaging the ability to give oneself cheerfully in marriage. Also, it interferes with the development of true betrothed marital love because the person has great difficulty in moving from “me to we” and in surrendering oneself to one’s spouse. Unless it is uncovered and resolved by growth in virtues, selfishness will lead spouses to treat loved ones as objects and not as gifted persons.
The recognition of this weakness is a struggle for most people. Fortunately, with hard work and growth in virtues and with a strong spiritual life, selfishness can be resolved.
Please complete the following selfishness checklist by identifying the appropriate number which applies to your spouse and to you using this scale:
0 - Never | 1 - Very Little | 2 - Moderately Often | 3 - Very Often
A narcissism/selfishness scale on children and teenagers is available in the child chapter.
Mistrust Checklist
The ability to trust and to feel safe is the foundation for self-giving love and for receiving love. If we do not feel safe and relaxed, we can withhold love, be unable to receive love, act angry to distance loved ones or try to control those we love. Uncovering and healing trust wounds, as well as protecting the ability to trust, are essential to romantic love, the marital friendship and to betrothed love.
Significant numbers of people enter marriage with deep unconscious trust weaknesses because of trauma from parental conflicts, divorce, sibling or peer rejection and narcissistic individuals. Often this trust wound is completely unconscious, but emerges under times of stress and is misdirected at one’s spouse.
Please rate the symptoms and the origins of mistrust in your life and in that of your spouse to the best of your ability on the mistrust checklist.
Thinking
- Catastrophic thinking (something bad is going to happen)
- Rigid thinking-a lack of openness
- Excessive criticism of others (as a unconscious way to distance people)
- Negative thinking
- Suspiciousness
- Hypochondriacal thinking (fear of serious illness)
- Paranoid thinking
- Excessive fantasy life
- Obsessional thoughts of controlling others
- View reasonable expectations of spouse as control pressure
- Excessive worrying
- Difficulty concentrating
Behaviors
- Numerous controlling behaviors
- Doesn’t listen to spouse
- Inability to show affection (fearful of bei