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You are here: Home > Marital Conflicts > Evaluate Your Marriage

Evaluate Your Marriage

The Institute for Marital Counseling at Comprehensive Counseling Services has worked with several thousand couples since 1976. Our work has been strongly influenced by the field of positive psychology; that is, growth in character strengths and in virtues, and by the philosophy and theology of John Paul II on marital love and the human person as presented in Love and Responsibility and Theology of the Body. John Paul II describes the essence of marital love as self-giving and surrender.

Couples are greatly helped by understanding their vocation to self-giving and receiving through the romantic aspect, friendship and betrothed love in their marriage. However, numerous emotional conflicts and character weaknesses can interfere with marital love and fulfillment. In this chapter major marital conflicts are identified and checklists are provided to evaluate qualitatively the weaknesses in each spouse. Then, referrals are made to completed chapters on the website which describe how these conflicts can be reduced.

In our clinical experience most marital conflicts can be identified and significantly decreased or resolved. Married couples can then have the freedom to live, as John Paul II has written, the gifts of love and forgiveness to the full and become in his words. "the bulwark of the civilization of love and the hope for the future of humanity."

Both marital happiness and personal fulfillment are dependent to a great extent upon a spouse developing a healthy adult personality open to the ability to give oneself to a spouse and to receive in kind. In addition, a healthy personality is acquired by a daily commitment to growth in virtues.  In addition, a deeper understanding of the sacrament of marriage can be acquired from studying the Catechism of the Catholic Church and the writing of John Paul II.

The following checklists offer Catholic couples an opportunity to uncover and identify the major conflicts which limit marital happiness. These checklists are meant to give one a qualitative sense of important weaknesses in self-giving in oneself and in one's spouse which can then be discussed and addressed. Subsequently, no scoring code is available except for the narcissism checklist, the mistrust checklist and the anger inventory.

Conflicts in Marital Self-Giving and Receiving

• Lack of self-knowledge
• Selfishness
• Mistrust/anxiety and controlling behaviors
• Excessive anger
• Sadness/loneliness
• Confidence conflicts
• Negative parental modeling
• Excessive sense of responsibility/worries
• Disordered self-giving
• Lack of charity
• Materialism
• Character weaknesses
• Guilt
• Failure to correct
• Oral contraceptives
• Failure to understand the sacrament of Marriage
• Neglect of spiritual life.

After uncovering conflicts you can rate yourself and your spouse on the following checklists which more specifically identify these weaknesses and their origins. Other chapters on this site will discuss how these common sources of marital stress can be reduced or hopefully resolved.

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Marital Self-Giving Checklist

Marital happiness is dependent upon the ability of spouses to give themselves to each other, to their children, to work, to the care of the home, to relatives and friends and, in Christian marriages, to God. The marital elf-giving checklist helps couples evaluate the quality of their marital friendship, romantic relationship and betrothed love.

Please rate the self-giving in yourself and in your spouse by identifying the appropriate number on the following measure.

0 - Never | 1 - Very Little | 2 - Moderately Often | 3 - Very Often

Thinking

Commit to be giving and loving to your spouse, children and others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Reflect on spouse as a God-given gift to one???’s life

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Commit to be responsible for spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Recognize one???’s life is profoundly enriched by one???’s spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Recognizes the good in one's spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Commit to receive the love of spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Try to understand spouse???’s needs

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Think of trusting and forgiving daily

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Consider your spouse as your best friend

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Decide not to be overly independent

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Appreciate and be thankful for God-given gifts

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Avoid placing unreasonable expectations on spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Commit to growth in virtues

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Thinking Total:

Verbally

Communicate in a loving, positive and cheerful manner

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Be willing to state how you feel

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Listen

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Share hopes, joys, dreams fears, worries, etc

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Avoid the expression of excessive anger

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Communicate all important issues in one???’s life to your spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Be honest with your spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Try to avoid being negative or critical

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Able to discuss the Church???’s truth about love and human sexuality

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Communicate one???’s needs

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Encourage your spouse to grow

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Offer correction when necessary in a gentle and loving manner.

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Verbal Total:

Emotionally

Receive spouse???’s love and gifts

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Be affectionate and loving

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Help your spouse feel loved

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Encourage

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Trust daily

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Forgive daily

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Give yourself emotionally and sexually

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Praise and affirm

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Try not to repeat parental emotional weaknesses

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Humbly accept correction

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Overlook weaknesses and be patient

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Avoid rehashing past hurts

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Open to face emotional weaknesses

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do not expect your spouse to resolve your family of origin conflicts

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Emotional Total:

Behaviorally

Treat spouse as one???’s best friend and as a special gift

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Be present to your spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Spend quality time with spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Have balance in life

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Place your spouse ahead of work or other activities

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Care for your spouse, self, children and the home

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Return to the home in a positive, cheerful manner

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Plan date nights with your spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Give yourself sexually to your spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Try not to repeat parents???’ weaknesses

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Give to your children and other relatives

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Be open cheerfully to your spouse???’s views

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Work on friendships

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Prudence in spending

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Honesty about finances

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Neither neglect nor spoil your spouse or your children

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Do not isolate yourself with the TV, computer, hobbies, etc.

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Avoid controlling or being controlled by one's spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Keep in contact with family members

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Try to go to bed often at the same time as your spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Give oneself romantically and sexually to one???’s spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Behavioral Total:

Spiritually

Place God first

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Try to be another Christ to your spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Pray for and with spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Go to Church with spouse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Commit oneself to growth in virtue

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Struggle against selfishness

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Depend on the love of the Lord, Father, Spirit and Our Lady

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Be open to God???’s plan for children

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Try to form and lead the children spiritually

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Go to the sacrament of reconciliation regularly and even see a spiritual director

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Trust the Lord with your spiritual life, marriage, children, finances, worries, etc

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Spiritual Total:

John Paul II in Love and Responsibility described giving to the romantic aspect of marriage, marital friendship and betrothed love. You can read a summary of his wisdom on marriage in our chapter on John Paul II, Faith and Marriage. Now, after completing the marital self-giving checklist how do you think you and your spouse do in regard to giving yourselves to

• the romantic aspect of your marriage
• the marital friendship
• betrothed love

Numerous marital conflicts develop because of a failure to place a priority on such self-giving in marriages. The chapter on the emotionally distant spouse may now be helpful in understanding how some of the weaknesses in self-giving in marriage can be addressed.

Again, this checklist is meant to give you a qualitative sense of difficulties in self-giving in your marriage.  Therefore, no scoring guide is provided.

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Narcissism Checklist

Selfishness is one of the major enemies of married love. This common personality weakness creates significant pain and suffering in marriages and families. It is a major cause of marital anger, conflict and divorce. It turns a person in upon himself/herself, thereby severely damaging the ability to give oneself cheerfully in marriage. Also, it interferes with the development of true betrothed marital love because the person has great difficulty in moving from “me to we” and in surrendering oneself to one’s spouse. Unless it is uncovered and resolved by growth in virtues, selfishness will lead spouses to treat loved ones as objects and not as gifted persons.

The recognition of this weakness is a struggle for most people. Fortunately, with hard work and growth in virtues and with a strong spiritual life, selfishness can be resolved.

Please complete the following selfishness checklist by identifying the appropriate number which applies to your spouse and to you using this scale:

0 - Never | 1 - Very Little | 2 - Moderately Often | 3 - Very Often

Grandiose thinking

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Insensitive to loved ones

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Excessively angry when everything doesn???’t go as one wants

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Exaggerated sense of self importance

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Very sloppy

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Strong sense of entitlement

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Expects automatic compliance with his or her expectations

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Manipulative

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Uses others to obtain one???’s ends

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Treats spouse as a sexual object

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Critical of others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Lacks empathy

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Unwilling to identify with the feelings and needs of others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Acts like a spoiled child

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Always demands to have one???’s own way

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Talks about oneself excessively

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Failure to attend to the needs of others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Is often envious of others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Believes that others are always jealous of him or her

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Constantly looking at one???’s reflection

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Tends to avoid responsibility in some major area of life

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Lacks empathy for others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Lazy

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Failure to care about important matters

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Acts helpless to get one???’s way

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Clings to the sick role

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Refuses to give oneself romantically or sexually

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Blames others for failures or shortcomings

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Doesn???’t enjoy giving

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Seeks to be center of attention

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Financially not supportive

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Tries to turn all conversations upon oneself

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Substance abuse

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Plays excessively to avoid responsibility

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Excessive eating

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Always portray self as the victim

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Explosive anger

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Resents doing work in the home

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Obsessed with physical appearance

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

When something goes wrong it???’s always someone else???’s fault

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Requires excessive admiration

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Exaggerates physical and emotional symptoms as a way to control

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Lack of genuine interest in others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Uses others sexually

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Very controlling

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Doesn???’t pay attention to the person he or she is talking to

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Expects self to be perfect

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Tends to seek power or influence over others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Lack of temperance

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Reacts to criticism with strong anger

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Unwilling to cook or care for the home

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Goes on own vacations

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Financially irresponsible

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Unwilling to express appreciation to others

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Ruin birthdays or special family events

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Limited openness to children

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Insists on using artificial contraceptives

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Not sensitive to a child???’s desire for a brother or a sister

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Chooses to divorce rather than to work on marital difficulties

Never Very Little Moderately Very Often

Narcissism Total:

A score below 30 indicates a low level selfishness; a score of 30 to 60, a moderate level of selfishness and above 60 a high level of selfishness.

A narcissism/selfishness scale on children and teenagers is available in the child chapter.

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Mistrust Checklist

The ability to trust and to feel safe is the foundation for self-giving love and for receiving love. If we do not feel safe and relaxed, we can withhold love, be unable to receive love, act angry to distance loved ones or try to control those we love. Uncovering and healing trust wounds, as well as protecting the ability to trust, are essential to romantic love, the marital friendship and to betrothed love.

Significant numbers of people enter marriage with deep unconscious trust weaknesses because of trauma from parental conflicts, divorce, sibling or peer rejection and narcissistic individuals. Often this trust wound is completely unconscious, but emerges under times of stress and is misdirected at one’s spouse.

Please rate the symptoms and the origins of mistrust in your life and in that of your spouse to the best of your ability on the mistrust checklist.

Thinking

• Catastrophic thinking (something bad is going to happen)
• Rigid thinking-a lack of openness
• Excessive criticism of others (as a unconscious way to distance people)
• Negative thinking
• Suspiciousness
• Hypochondriacal thinking (fear of serious illness)
• Paranoid thinking
• Excessive fantasy life
• Obsessional thoughts of controlling others
• View reasonable expectations of spouse as control pressure
• Excessive worrying
• Difficulty concentrating

Behaviors

• Numerous controlling behaviors
• Doesn’t listen to spouse
• Inability to show affection (fearful of bei